Hopeful Womb

It's so thrilling to me...that this very moment I could possibly be pregnant.

I mean, I suppose not necessarily FULLY pregnant since my fertilized egg has probably not descended or implanted into my uterus quite yet, a journey that will take my precious blastocyst several days to accomplish. As of right now, that's all it is...a free-floating blastocyst. Or I suppose it could be nothing at all, really. There is no way in knowing at this point in time if I am in fact pregnant in the most generic sense of the word.

"But if I were pregnant...suppose it did happen..." This is all that I can think about these days. I am clearly going insane thinking about the possibilities, reading into every bodily feeling and emotion. How would we tell people? What would our family think? How would we afford it? What would this mean for our jobs? Would we need to trade one of our cars to get a more 'stroller/car-seat friendly' model? Would we sell the bike? I suppose the guest bedroom could be turned into a nursery, but what would Carla think? How will I finish my credential program? How much does it cost to actually birth a child in a hospital? Would my mom come? WHAT IF WE HAD TWINS? I hope we only have one to start with. Would we ever be able to move out? How will this impact CJ's career? What would this mean for us moving to Kansas? Will I be a good mom? What if, what if, what if, blah, blah, blah.

They say stress diminishes fertility. I once had a doctor tell me, "You just need to relax and it will happen." Coincidentally, this was the same doctor that I was seeing for my anxiety problem. As you can imagine, I found her advise to be a bit challenging.

Overall, 50% of all fertilized eggs are lost. I'm praying my uterus defies these odds and is 100% receptive of our precious traveler. I intend on taking a pregnancy test on Sunday, which will be Christmas Eve. My womb is hopeful. What a perfect gift that little plus sign would be.