Vlog Update

 

Can'ts to Cans, Dreams To Plans

There are many evenings that I come home after working a 9 hour day and feel overall jaded and restless. In fact, just last week I just about had it and purchased a gym membership as a means to entertain myself during the weeknights, which seems about average if your someone like me who needs to workout inorder to sleep at night. Just the week prior to that; I purchased a Spanish learners kit so I could teach myself spanish; a language that I've always wanted to speak fluently. I am currently reading four books, all of which I rotate along with the various places I go; the Barnes, Lake Harveston, the neighborhood park, a couple of random coffee shops as well as the traditional Starbucks stop. I've picked up a penpal as well...something to help pacify my desire to meet new people considering my social life is dwindling with everyday that I didn't attend public high school and don't attend a college campus. And yet, I feel like although I always have something to do, my life is simply passing by moment by moment without any kind of excitement, adventure or meaning. My life is mundane...to put it...mundanely. The saddest part? I have to remind myself everyday that I am 21 years old and not 62 a.k.a a senior citizen.

It's not that I'm heavily depressed but I guess I'm suffering from a generic case of melancholia due to the simple season I find myself enduring. On Monday this week, I had an emotional breakdown at work while sitting at my cubical. Naturally right in front of my coworkers...oh it was awful. I never cry in front of people. I guess it had been building up for some time, because blubbering really doesn't happen every day. I've been daydreaming about the future a lot lately, and it looks nothing like the present. I'm starting to realize that I have goals. It sounds silly, but maybe I'm finally growing up? I've come to realize that there are things in life that I really want to do, things that I really want to touch, smell and tangibly experience. I want an education more than anything, (aside from a husband and children of course) but I would like a degree essentially in something that I love and feel passionate about, like writing or literature. I desire knowledge like it's going out of style! HOW that saying even makes sense is besides the point, but do you catch my drift? I want to start living life to the fullest. Is that too much to ask?

So here it comes; the big concept of this whole rant. What if I did it? You know, what if I started living the life that I imagined? What if I converted my dreams into plans, and my plans into realities. Surely the Lord didn't give me these desires to frustrate me, but to demonstrate Romans 8:32 and his willingness to provide all things. And so what if I do it all by myself? I've made a lot of excuses along the way, only so I could remain unaffected by the discomfort in potentially failing. But tonight I've come to the conclusion to renounce all of my fears, not only because it's liberating but also because it's biblical. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God gave us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline and that no matter where we go, His Spirit dwells within us. (Psalm 139:7-10) I believe that no matter what I decide to pursue in my life, assuming it's in alignment with what the Lord requires of me, all things will work out for good...

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." 
(The Lord of the Rings)

~Dierdre

Human Being, Being Human

I love it when the Lord reminds me that he is the Lord.


He brings me to a place where I realize my neediness for him; this desperate place...the prison in my own mind. I tend to be a hermit within it more often than not and that's when the Lord really makes it known to me that I need him in ways more than one. I need him through people; the very creatures that he chooses to reveal himself through. It's crazy actually, that he chooses imperfect people to reflect a perfect God; himself. He's simply contradictory like that, and mysterious to say the least.


Maybe it's just me but I'll be the first to admit my walk with the Lord has been everything but a meer walk in the park lately. The last three months have been a notorious reoccurrence of spiritual stubbornness due to fear and my insatiable need to control everything. The fact that the Lord, (like I said earlier) is mysterious and very much silent at times, doesn't pacify the heart's desire to be instantly satisfied. When he is silent I want to say I become anxious?...but in all actuality I lose it and go off the deep end :-) Instead of admitting that I need him to center me in my insanity, I simply denounce his ability to control my life and go my own way. Needless to say, I'm a work in progress so I know He will eventually bring me to a place where my faith will be based upon fear, love and mercy. My prodigal tendencies are nothing new to my Father, because he has searched me and knows me. He knows my thoughts and is familiar with all my ways. It's so crazy to think that he knows you and I the way he does...so intimately and specific, so detail oriented and intricate. My words are...predictable. My sin, already forgiven. Absolutely ineffable love, I will never be able to wrap my head around it and constantly have to remind myself to accept it for what it is.


It's cool to take a step back and recount all of the times that the Lord was there, in that moment or in that blessing. You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about all the times that you know that without a shadow of a doubt the Lord came through for you and that it was because of him that you are able to testify his faithfulness today. Sometimes that is all we have to carry us through the night; referring to the times that we have walked in faith and not by sight. I can't say that I've mastered walking a straight line when going through a dark season, but I can say that Jesus already did on my behalf...on our behalf, bestowing spotless righteousness :-) Even as I write, I am getting pumped and encouraged by this concept that our victory is in Christ. That although my life can be messy at times, he looks at me and says, "How can I give you up? How can I hand you over?" (Hosea 11:8)

"It is written, 'Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4:4) I love this verse because it points out two things. The first thing being that we are mortal beings, and that without the essentials (such as food) we would die. But then it goes on to include the very Word of God to be just as essential to our appetites as bread. God intended us to need him from the very beginning. Our neediness for him isn't weakness, but made-up in our DNA if you will. Being human doesn't mean that we have a disease, the disease being sin and that we are all together hopeless. Being human means that we are dead in our sins and alive in Christ and that humanity is loved beyond the grave and through a resurrected Savior who made having a relationship with him possible in spite of our nature. It's taken me three months of wrestling with who I am, a creature said to be made in the image of God, to finally realize that being human is eternally good and acceptable to God and that he was so sure of this that he sealed his opinion with a death to atone the relationship between deity and humanity. Think about it,

that's mega love folks.
~Dierdre Madrid

A Brief Moment

Sitting on some stairs overlooking the lake I feel a refreshing balance of contentment and joy. I hug my knees as blonde hair softly whips around my shoulders. My senses entertain me as goosebumps appear scattering down my legs and forearms when a wave of cool air passes over, and disappear when the sun breaks through the seemingly clear skies. My mind, eager for stimulation, begins processing the way the fine ripples in the water dance and the way the trees bend as the wind combs through their branches. I take a sip of pomegranate soda and apply some peppermint Chapstick. This moment feels so innocent and care free. So good and simple. After some time of sitting, I notice my shoulders blushing from the heat and reach for my flip flops. It was calming while it lasted.

Saturday Casualties

While brushing my hair and considering sleep, I've come to the determination that there are simply not enough hours in the night time. I say night time because it's 1:00am and I am nonchalantly sipping wine and browsing the web. It's a Saturday night of course (or what used to be for that matter) and I just can't seem to place my head on the pillow. My mind juggles with thoughts, my heart stirs with dreams...and...my eyes narrow in on the 6% battery life remaining on my macbook. I guess some things in life are a little more obvious than others. In this instance, I am 100% uncertain about life and 6% battery life is simply not enough time to figure it out.

Consider my wine glass raised...a toast!
To irony.
~Dm

A Love Reservoir

"I don't need you." is what her heart meant 

as he walked himself to the front door of his car.

Upon his dismissal, she stood there thinking

"it's not that you can't love me, so much as it is me allowing you to start."

All boys and men are just the same.

Intentions all but true.

Show her years of friendship, withholding affections too.
Love her deeply and sisterly

accepting her sinfulness as a whole.

with grace and through grace, you love her!

like a mirror of the heavens,

show her the Love that died and rose for you.

With a heart of stone, 

and enormous fear of ending up alone,

She waits.

Avoiding the heartbreak, 

from all the boys and men who obliterate

the true meaning 

of what it means 

to love.

It's A Constant Battle

My posture is traditional tonight, as I habitually recline myself against my headboard while occasionally spreading my toes with every break in-between sentences. I look to the clock as I reach for my night stand drawer, where I dig up the hidden treasure; sleeping pills. As I unscrew the lid and tilt my head back intaking a swig of water, I can't help but linger at the thought of all the things I needed to do in the morning. The clock says 2:30am...but it feels like 8:00pm. Silently rationalizing the thought of forcing myself to sleep, I stare at the blank wall in front of me. For being a blank wall, it sure triggered a head full of thoughts. After clicking around and avoiding the truth, I proceed to diagnose myself into having Attention Deficit Disorder and label myself as the worst blogger in the history of blog writers.

I can never seem to finish, 

~Dierdre

Loved

the Lord of the universe hasn't given up on me

He will find me in my darkest moment

he will plunge into the depths of the sea

where I have thrown myself away, cast aside and red eyed

he will reach out His hands; He will extend his arms 

out the ashes he will remove me

lifting me up onto lap he will place me

the Lord is my Redeemer

in Him I am made whole

he sees me 

he loves me

all together I am acceptable

all together I am made worthy

I am made wholly

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

I am enough
he calls me beloved,
I am loved.

all together,
Dierdre Michelle Madrid

Overthinking

As I reach for my ear plugs I can't help but wonder what I am sure of these days. I feel like my thoughts have decided to take on tornado like tendencies and more than anything I wish I could just stop thinking and allow my mind to shift into neutral. If only it were that easy...

My white mug sits empty on my night stand. I've already polished off my nightly cup of tea with honey. It's become a new habit; drinking tea at night. I couldn't imagine it being a good thing seeing as by the time I consume my last sip, I am way too relaxed to even consider getting up to brush my teeth! If my dentists asks?...you didn't hear that from me. I am very thankful for the tea though, it has been a nice contribution to helping me ease into bed at night. I just wish that when the box claims to be 'sleepy-time' tea...that it actually meant they spiked the dang stuff with meletonin and diphenhydramine combine! All this in saying...some people are sick of counting sheep, namely this girl.

I curse my restless soul on nights like this one. I never want to shy away from feeling what I'm feeling though. Maybe that's just the writer in me; wanting to feel and know every little emotion. More than anything I want to remain relative to people, and have the capacity to empathize with them. People are emotional. Don't ever believe the person who tells you otherwise. 

As much as I toss and turn in restlessness, I'd rather be this way than the opposite. I have to keep reminding myself that the ability to think is a gift from God. He made me restless for Him; caught up in His mystery. He keeps me uneasy. He keeps me thirsty. He keeps me moving forward. If it wasn't for emotional restlessness I wouldn't know my spiritual need for Peace and rest. It's all connected really. I was made to know Him. Nothing more.

"Our hearts will find no rest, until we find our rest in You." Joel Limpic

~Dierdre

Let's Walk Side by Side

Kick the rocks as we look at our shoes

Your presence is like the sun; surrounding me entire

Let’s make small talk as we look off into the distance

And glance at each other when there’s silence

I’ll hold your forearm and you’ll guide me by waist

We can look at the stores; see our reflection in the panes

I enjoy you a lot; when we look at the skies

I enjoy your thoughts; the shape your lips makes when you talk

and when you don’t.

I’ll let you barrow my heart, maybe we could exchange

My heart for yours, just for the day…

I’d be ok.

Yeah, I’d be ok with it.

Spiritual Hemorrhage

Why do I make my bed in Sheol?

Where the fiery furnace burns brightly

Not one of refinement, no

Not one to emerge from as pure gold

This furnace draws me in like a seductress

One slip and she's grabbed your hand

I choose her way, without considering

the cost is no more than a receipt thrown away

in a moment, one justifies wickedness

not revering the One who had to die

my hands are stained, but alas

I am being made new

He holds my hands; he wrings my rags

how can I be brand new?

Placing white on me, like I am pure...

the battle is no longer accepting His death as true

or believing that He is who he says he is.

My battle remains within; twisting and turning with personal acceptance

how can He desire this?

This pile of chaos,

self-loathing hedonist;

sinking in my cowardice...

heavily, I lay before you.

My sin not in part

every crumb removed from the floor

you wash my feet; and you carry me

who am I to be called to enjoy you?

to behold your face; to dwell within your courts,

restore my joy that I once had in You

set ablaze this fragile cavity

with a burning passion to live for you

impart an unending courage to remain faithful

and wisdom to know my hunger will never subside

without you to be my portion, forever.

Dierdre

Nesting

For the first time, I am writing from my very own bed, with my very own blankets and my very own pillows. My view overlooks the landscape, as my feet act like mountains at the end. Behind that, my TV can be seen resting upon my red side table, along with my DVD player and short stack of DVD's below it. I recline with a grin tonight, looking around my room in growing contentment. Just one step closer in the direction I've been plowing towards since I was 15 years old - independence.

I can hear the air channel through my esophagus more distinctly tonight given the ear plugs that have sealed my ears shut. After being awoken by  my roommate's tv replay the News through the wall for three hours this morning, I was determined to prepare for the situation just incase my roommate decided to be consistant with his awful habit of falling asleep with his TV on.

I'm broke, but joyful. I'm restless in myself but I am content in the Lord. As I lay here I can't help but wonder about a million and a half things; all in my flesh, and all with the intent to point me in the direction of worry, fear and fatigue. When we say with David in the Psalms that God is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever, do we really mean it? That is my prayer tonight. That Psalm 73:26 would be tangible, as real as the headboard that I am leaning on; as real as the keys I am typing with.

My desperation for a mighty, loving God is great. I pray that we stay thirsty; never ceasing to crawl to Him to be made whole, to be healed, and to simply be in His presence.

~D

Sofa Chair / A Poem

I fell in love once
And it took everything I had
I fell in love, and needless to say I never fell back
No one told me that falling isn't love
There's nothing romantic about falling
Unless your worshipping the Creator above...
I fell in love once
And I thought it was beautiful and true
Little did I know I was blinded, bewitched and confused...
Feelings are liars!
I wish someone would have shared
Feelings are temporary, illegitimate and unfair
Because I'm here now, alone in this sofa chair
Staring at an empty one.
I was in love once! and it was the joke of the year
No one told me that it's not love, if your the only one that cares.
So now I write poems, hoping someone will hear!
Feelings are good mockers of the love that isn't there.





Dierdre M.

Desperate For You

Your name is perfume to my senses
in your presence my mind cannot contain...
when without you, my life has no joy or aim.

Only to love you is my life's passion
to behold your glory is just the same
to shout your name
and declare your wonders
may my love for you, burn brightly
an inferno, an eternal flame.

You are good to me
abundant in mercy and grace
countless are your wonders
numerous are your names
you stand before me when I cannot see
you hold my hand when I cannot speak
always remaining, always containing
my heart, my thoughts my life.

Wings Like Eagles

Should I stumble, you will pick me up. 

Should I succeed, you remain my cup.

Although I fret, you will deliver me

from these chains you will set me free. 

And although I doubt, you will open my eyes

you will not forsake me when I cry.

On my face Lord, at your feet...

help me defeat my unbelief. 

But should I fall, you will carry me

Should I rise, I will boast in Thee. 

Although I falter, you remain the same

in your presence, my soul is tame.

Savior, Father, Provider and Friend

you will never leave me

no...You will never end.

~Dierdre

Sing To Me The Plans You Have For Me

It's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning and I almost wonder if my abundant caffeine consumption this week has anything to do with my lack of sleep. I've casually consumed more coffee this week than I have in my whole lifetime. Slightly dramatic but totally serious. I feel vaguely ancy and I truly believe it's because I have an overwhelming underlying sense that I am wasting my life.

Every night I'm pacing, mentally. Going back and forth, interrogating myself. Is there more to my potential than this? Am I doing all that I can to reach it? Standing on my tippy toes for assurance. I want more. To do more. To be more. To know more. Granted, I'm not wasting my time entirely. Working full time takes up a good chunk of my week, but has made me realize how much I want to go back to school. I've come to the realization that if I ever want to go back to school, I'm going to have to be ok with working full-time still. I need the money, but I'm starting to realize I need the education too. My self-respect is relying on it. All this being said, I'm frustrated...and restless. 

So now I'm looking into my different options. Should I enroll in community college again? Take advantage of my Tuition Fee Waiver but ultimately suffer from the lack of classes to choose from? Do I pursue the private college revenue, such as applying to Cal Baptist or Azuza Pacific? They will have all the classes I'll need to take, but will totally risk getting denied from receiving scholarships and resort to having to take out student loans? All this makes me question my motivation. How serious am I? Student loans are expensive! Do I really want to go into debt? What if I never put my degree towards a career? Will I have wasted my time? Do I even HAVE time? Will working full time and going to school part time drive me insane? Do I have enough hair to pull out if that's the case!?............

Basically? I'm in a whirlwind. Worry begets worry. I haven't even mentioned that I have yet to get into a more reliable car before Lady D decides to kick the bucket. (Still cross my fingers every morning when I turn the key in the ignition!) There's so much on my mind I wish I could turn it all off. It's in moments like these where I desire companionship. Although now that I think about it, a glass of wine sounds ideal right now. I don't even care if I'm not 21 yet. It's not breaking the law if I talk about drinking it, right? ;-)

Why does growing up have to be so stressful?

~Dierdre

Blank Walls

I'm starting to really love this wooden desk in my room. What once was used to collect clutter and assorted pay stubs, has now become a thinking station. Three books, two journals and two bibles. One lamp. One candle. One bag of inky pens. One cross ornament. One macbook. And one wine glass with paper flowers in it. I feel creative when I sit here. In fact, I plan on being here for a while, tonight.

I stare lazily at the blank wall in front of me. "In all honesty Lord, I am at a loss for words." I crack my wrists and close my eyes. Anxiety has become of me. I glance at the time. Realizing I haven't eaten much I contemplate tiptoeing down the stairs to grab a meal but I refuse to get up. My heart is heavy with...fleeting things. I wish I knew how to concentrate my energies on only the important things. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

I'm trying Lord...please help me get to peace. Please help me to fall on my face in your presence, knowing that I may taste the fullness of joy. I feel like my heart is being dangled by it's veins, or rather...a boulder has been placed directly on my chest. I haven't known this anxiety in what seems to be a while but...I was reluctant for it to come back. No one likes to stare at a blank wall with hopes that something were to come of it! I'm restless again Lord...wishing my adventure would simply begin. I want to reason with you and tell you that I am ready for change. I'm ready to start my life! But the irony in that plea is that my life has already begun and I'm wasting it when I self loath and self-depreciate.

My battle is internal and completely in my head tonight. Where most take the practical route of falling asleep and dreaming their way through their anxiety, I like to be stubborn and think my way through the mental storm. Completely neurotic...completely idiotic. An hour has gone by and I have taken a couple of swigs of flavored water and turned off all the lights to pacify the throbbing taking place behind my eyes. "Tension headaches." Nothing unusual.

Transferring from one blank wall to the next, my gaze is no longer horizontal but all the more vertical. Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling fan...counting the blades as they circulate...


When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea. And when the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way...
~Dierdre

I'm Scared To Write

"I'm Scared To Write" November 29, 2011

This is a silly poem I wrote in my leather journal last year when reflecting upon an old romance. I used to write poetry for him and about him all the time, so naturally to write in a poetic form made me think of him. As a result, and for the longest time, I couldn't write this way. I look forward to embracing poetic inspiration again, to make up for lost time.

I'm scared to write.
listen to how that sounds.
I'm a fool who cowers, regrets and remembers
he used to be everywhere
the passion to my pen
he used to deliver, but never again.
I used to write fluently,
like a dripping faucet on a drizzly day
you see...
ink dripping and splattering
along the way.
I'm scared to write!
because my passion is unknown
I write for what I do not know.
once for love, but only once and no more.
I'm writing without direction,
without a map or an oar...
I'm scared to write!
I'm scared of the turnout.
my pen is lighter,
the lines are thin.
No more words accept this
is it.

He Stands In My Place

I feel we as people go through so much change in our lifetimes. Influenced by so many second party distractions; whether that be the people we come into contact with, our circumstances, our ambitions etc...we morph into these individuals we see in the mirror every morning while brushing our teeth. Lately I've been conspicuously staring at the woman in my mirror with a cocked eye and partial grin as if to say "Who the heck is this chick." I'm constantly having to re-evaluate myself to make sure that I am who I am, living into who God is calling me to be, alining myself with his will for my life instead of settling as some kind fictitious Dierdre impostor who absorbed too much of the world and not enough of Jesus. All this in saying...I need to be baptized every morning. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

But isn't this something we are all struggling with ultimately? Dying to self and coming alive in Christ? Fighting off our old man and arising victorious as a new creation? This is a struggle for me to the umpteenth percent. Holding my old woman back with a locked elbow; fully extended. There are days when I fail however, and it's in those times of complete failure that I am reminded that no matter what, he will not give up on me. There will never come a day when he'll say to me "seriously Dierdre? You screwed up again? How many times do we have to go over this. Your such a disappointment to me." His love is like nothing we know here on earth. It is so far removed from any kind of humanly love we experience. It's crazy to think, huh? I often make the mistake of dumbing down the love of God to the love of a human. I have to remind myself that in a moment of weakness, when I succumb to my old ways and instantly feel those feelings of shame, guilt, etc...I know God's not going to turn up his nose and say "Eh, give me a couple of hours to get over this. Then we can talk forgiveness..." or give me the silent treatment. No. With God there is instant forgiveness, instant mercy and instant grace.

In light of these responses however, I have to challenge myself even further. Because when I sin, it's not just me making a poor choice in my flesh; but an offense to God directly. When we hold it up to the light with that kind of perspective, it changes things a bit. Our sins should not be taken so lightly by knowing that God is just going to forgive us because he is a 'forgiving God'. While this is true, it does not eradicate the fact that God is completely aware of your sin and hated it so much that someone had to die for it. God literally could not look at Jesus upon the cross because he bore your sin. That's how repulsive it was to God. If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will.

When I think about the mercy of God, my heart melts with an overflow of appreciation and thankfulness. I could not imagine living my life separate from Him. My neediness for God supersedes my need for independence. He is my everything and I when I think about my life prior to walking with Him, all I can think of is complete darkness. God has gotten his hands into every pocket of my life that at the end of the day when I lay in bed and recall the His instances, I see him actively pursuing me everywhere. From my job, to my home life, in my friendships and in my love life. There is not a day when I can say 'God didn't show up today.'

My heart is for you to be encouraged. More than anything my prayer is for you to encounter God in such an organic, genuine way that you would be compelled to be obedient to Him in times of temptation and struggle. I say this to you having given in to one of my struggles this past week. None of us are perfect, but when you love someone...their desires become your delight. "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)

~Dee

I am convinced
that loving me
is an immeasurable
burden.
Thank you
for handling it
with such
grace.
I know I am
& always have been
crazy,
but you
have never stopped
saving
my life.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

Blood + Wine

I like the look of myself sitting in this wooden desk with the light illuminating my dancing fingers on the keyboard, while their shadows mimic them. The combination of domestic things like the dryer down the hallway and the ceiling fan buzzing above me makes for a comfortable setting. It's Friday the 13th, which in all reality means nothing more to me other than the day my mom decided to take a plane down and pick me up for a weekend in Monrovia, California. This is me waiting for her and the taxi to arrive. I imagine them to park in the drive and then proceed to honk for me to come running while my mom's petite frame stands outside the vehicle with a smile on her face in anticipation. Excited to take advantage of this moment, allow me to proceed to elaborate on an epiphany I had yesterday, while in our prayer groups at bible study.


I don't know if it was a combination of feeling somewhat nauseous thanks to the gouda cheese in my fuji apple salad or if it was a result of a long week...but I was ready to talk. Once Adam paired me with Marisa to pray, I felt instantaneously at ease and ready to talk. She's such a calm spirited, joyful woman of God. The kind of woman that I hope to become one day.


We scooted forward and proceeded to talk. Nothing unusual. In my head I was thinking, "alright, let's see where the Lord takes this conversation." For the past couple of weeks I had been feeling a heavy-spirited. Not really sure what exactly was on my mind or on my heart...in all essence it was unexplainable. I knew it wasn't because of my sin because I hadn't succumbed to that 'particular sin' in awhile. All this led me to believe was that what I was feeling really couldn't be stemming from anything that happened recently. I sorted through my mental filing cabinet. What the heck could I be feeling? I literally had no idea. The frustration I was internally experiencing was insane.


For those of you who don't know my father (which is basically all of you) in order to accurately describe him, I would have to dedicate a whole other post towards his account. In a nutshell? He was a brilliant man with a sin nature; a sin nature that we are all guilty of. The only difference regarding this instance was that my father gave into his nature more often than he fought it. In result of his choices, our family suffered with the consequences which ultimately left our family destitute. The affairs affected my mom the most. All of this in saying, it's supposed to give you an idea of half the blood that runs through my veins. How my father's qualities have been passed on through an umbilical cord and into my being.



I am at battle with myself more often than I am at peace with myself. This doesn't disregard the notion that the Spirit is alive and at work within me, and that I should be relying on the Spirit more than I should be depending on myself to fall through in obedience to Him. "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18) Ultimately I desire to be obedient but my dependance isn't where it should be; gospel centered and reliant upon the resurrection of the Savior. Why can't I believe it when I sing on Sunday's "the same power that conquered the grave lives in me!" All this reveals is ultimately the pride I possess in my heart. Break me of this pride Lord, humble me to my knees that I may seek your face because I can't do this on my own.


Coming back to the original point I was trying to make earlier. My father's tendencies run in my veins and I can see them in my personal struggles; the sin that I battle on a regular basis. Lust and restlessness; both desires of the flesh and both extremely dangerous if taken lightly. Too much is at risk to act otherwise. By the pure grace of God, he has made this known to me at the age of 20. Prior to any kind of marital relationship and prior to having children. This does not disregard my desires to be a wife and a mother, it just makes me more precautions of what kind of sin I could be capable of, how to make the appropriate decisions and how I can set up boundaries for myself so if and when I do find myself in a relationship...I will act violently against what my sin nature gravitates towards. 


I have absolutely never cheated nor do I ever plan on it. But after seeing my dad completely disregard his marriage and seek out love in other places because he wasn't receiving any from my mom, I am reminded of how I handle the 'unloved' feeling very similarly. Never when in relationship with another human, but I am definitely guilty of doing so when in relationship with my heavenly groom; the One who is unseen. When I act upon the lust found within my flesh; I am completely disregarding the relationship I have with Him by not acting in such a way that would demonstrate my reverence and loyalties to our covenant. The covenant I made when I got baptized back on March 7, 2010...so a little over 2 years ago. Our covenant being, "Lord, I dedicate my life to you. I will follow you. I will love you. I will serve you alone. I am declaring my life to be a reflection of who you are and what you mean." Do my actions correspond? I'm involved with a Lover who not only knows my heart, but created it. Does my faithfulness show in my heart?


This whole time Marisa and I are talking through all of these things and encouraging one another on our personal experiences from when we had been tried and came out victorious. What felt like hours of pouring my heart out, was really a duration of 30 minutes. To give you an example of what it felt like, I guess you could say it was like that one scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula pulled out Ariel's voice and kept it. Totally a silly analogy, but in that instance it felt like Marisa was pulling my voice out, and I was able to talk things through.

To really tie together all the loose ends of what I've subconsciously been wrestling with...I'm scared to death that my unfaithfulness to my God may correlate with my potential unfaithfulness to my husband one day. Is this possible? Am I the only one making these absurd connections? Am I the only one over thinking this concept? And if so, is there any validity in it? And then of course, I am reminded that when I take communion, I am partaking in the cup of the Lord. Drinking the wine which resembles the blood and the bread which resembles the body. Surely my earthly father's blood runs through my veins, but my heavenly Father's blood has covered my soul! Surely the blood of my heavenly Father supersedes my earthly father's blood in that I am saved for eternity? The potential to take after my fleshly father is there, but the resurrection frees me from such bondage and I have the capacity to take after my heavenly Father. So I have hope...but tension...am I making any sense? I could be overanalyzing this outrageous fear of potentially having an affair on my husband one day, because my dad cheated on my mom...but what if this is major? I need to majorly get my act together if this is the case. All this in saying, I've never cheated, and don't plan on it. But then I ask myself, did the murderer grow up with the intentions of eventually killing someone one day? I lay all of these fears at Your feet.

My Lord, my Reward, my God...you have never forsaken me. You accept me with open arms when I come running to you like a prodigal daughter. You deal justly with me, and yet you withhold that which I deserve which is separation from you because of my sins. Instead you lavish me with mercy, present me with glory and wrap me in your robe of righteousness and grace. Help me to love you like Your perfect son. Help me to see you the way I saw you on the day I professed my vows to You. Ineffable in beauty, you alone are worthy of my undivided attention and my unceasing praise. Give me the courage to be who you are calling me to be, a child in awe of You.


~Dierdre

I have a dream...

Espera

Waiting.
What does that even mean?
Does it mean at the end of the road, our unknown abode
I will be sitting?
I look to the right, to the sky and to the left
"Maybe he's not coming?" says my pessimist at best
"Maybe he's rushing!" says the romantic in my chest
Eagerly anticipating your arrival, I swing my legs on the fence.

Waiting.
What does that even mean?
Maybe it's reading a book, with a serious look.
If I can't see you, you won't keep me pacing
Flipping page by page, the seasons turn from
green, yellow, orange and blue...
Maybe you'll show up if my eyes don't look for you?
I read between the lines.

Waiting.
Self controlled expectation.
Sacrificial abandon, of one's impulse to fulfill desire
A humble approach, of one seeking to glorify the Creator
Waiting is pacing, with praying hands and mobile feet
Waiting is intuitive, when given a taste of something sweet.
Waiting is an action, it's a language of a captivated heart.
Waiting is saying you're worth it.
To me, you are.


~Dierdre

Simple Things

My routine this weekend took a turn for the spontaneous as I worked from home all day Saturday and went to breakfast with my boss and his family this morning, which was a pleasant surprise indeed. This whole time I was convinced the number 12 wasn't on the menu until my boss's 10 year old daughter pointed out on her kid's menu that it was in fact on 'a menu.' All this in saying, I love being spontaneous. Almost as much as I love my routine! I enjoy the thrill of doing something completely unplanned, as long as it fits within the pockets of my usual routine! Does that make sense? The funny thing is, although I was with different people, on a different day I still order the same thing. Some call me predictable. I just call it consistency.

I like to think I like change, but lately I've been doubting this. I like having things set to where I know they will work out and won't let me down. Like my pancakes that I order every Saturday, for example. They're absolutely delicious! Guaranteed every time. Why would I order anything else if they make me happy? I know they will always cost 6 bucks, and thats including tip! The practical side of me is totally nodding in agreement. Yes, it makes perfect sense! But then there's always the other half that says "Who cares about consistency. Live a little Dierdre!!!!!" Obviously I'm torn. I can't make up my mind. It's an every day gamble. It's a flipping of a coin. Someone told me once that there's a coin flipping app on our iphones. I should really get it. I'm slightly kidding, but mostly serious.

On a side note, this new tea I'm trying at this new café I'm at is seriously making it hard to get through one paragraph without having an overwhelming urge to pee. Is that tmi? Who cares, this is my blog, I can say whatever I want! Ayoooooooo!

Anyways. Lately I've been feeling somewhat restless which, let's be honest...isn't unusual. But even more than that, I've been feeling more lost than ever, not really sure what I should be doing with my life at this point. I know every one goes through these foggy valley's but I seriously have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I look around at some of my peers (which is the first thing they tell you not to do) and I feel like they are so much more accomplished than I am. Setting aside my desires and setting aside my dreams, I can't deny that I have this overwhelming weight that I should be doing so much more with my life. I mean, let's just point out the obvious...I'm single. Not going to school. Working a full time job. And serving in church on Sundays. I mean...I'm content and comfortable...but I know the Lord is calling me to so much more than the comfort found within the American dream. Heck! I want more for myself than that. Anyone else battling with this? Here I go asking questions again. Honestly, I've considered just packing up my bags and moving to the east coast. Dramatic huh?

My point is...well. I guess I don't really have one. I'm lost...but not really. I know what I want and I know what I want to do...but I feel so small.

When I dream, I'm taking on the world. I'm in love with a loving man and I'm meeting with a broken girl as she pours her heart out about her broken life. I'm drinking coffee and writing a book. I'm holding my child. I'm laying on the floor laughing while getting my face licked by my dog. Simple things...simple things...simple things.


Maybe this is what the Lord has for me, or maybe it's something totally different. Maybe I won't ever find out...or maybe that's not the attitude to have. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait on the Lord.



I will wait,
Dierdre

Unforsaken

Who am I to stand before a Holy God and be declared righteous?

I write with a contrite spirit and yet an underlying heart of hope. Only this contradiction can be found in the repentance and complete forgiveness I find in Christ. I am restored. I am made whole. "No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand..." With every promise and with every truth I find myself slowly ascending out of this mental pit I have hurdled myself into as I am laid low before a King who not only beckons me to draw near, but takes my hand.

I cannot help but to grapple the fact that sin is still very much apart of my human nature and although I am made pure by the blood of Christ, it doesn't change the impulse to choose my sin over obedience to the Father. Do you want to know something? I question my salvation every time a sin exchange happens in my life. It's like I'm choosing to drape myself in menstrual rags because...for whatever reason, I like it. The anaology is disgusting, the reality is even more so.

I cannot deny that David and I share the same prayer in Psalm 25:16-18, 20-21 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Conscider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. . .Oh, gaurd my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you."

There's a song by Kari Jobe I absolutely love shouting at the top of my lungs whenever I'm alone in the house. Whenever I need to audibly remind myself of the love I have in Christ. It's just the chorus but it goes...

I know that you are for me!

I know that you are for me!

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness!

and I know you have come now

even if to write upon my heart

to remind me of who you are

I love this chorus for the very reason that it's truth proclaimed and it's straight up empowering. Essentially the promise being he will never forsake us in our weakenesses. Even if they happen multiple times. Even if we swore we wouldn't. Paul mentions in Romans 5:20-21 "...but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Amen. Amen. Amen.

What Satan intends for distruction, God intends for his glory. I pray that we never forget this as we souldier on through this prilgrimage towards our Reward; beholding the presence and splendor of our true King.

faithfulness, faithfulness is what I long for...
~Dierdre

A Haiku

"Please leave me," she said
to all her fears and her doubts.
"He has overcome."


~Dierdre

The Meaning Behind Infinity

For those of you who weren't aware, I got a tattoo back in September. Probably the most impulsive decision I have ever made in the history of Dierdre's permanent decisions. It's pretty small and it's located on my right hand, in-between my thumb and index finger. I love the location for a couple of reasons, but I love the symbolism even more. As a firm believer that tattoos are so much cooler when they have a story behind them, this is me divulging mine. While overlooking all the mathematical linguistics of the infinity symbol, I really caved and got it for one reason and one reason alone. 

Jesus. 

Which is a little confusing for some people because they look at my hand and immediately think, "Infinity huh? That's cool I guess." So why not a cross? Why not two nails? Why infinity? 

It's easy. Jesus is the only infinite being there is. The only infinite lover, the only infinite friend. "I am the alpha and omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end." He will never leave me, he will always stay the same even in the midsts of my inconsistencies, in the midsts of my imperfections and in the midst of my doubts. He will always love me, he will never leave me, he will never stop pursuing me, he will always fight for me, he will never forsake me... I mean I cannot emphasize it enough. He will always be the same. He will never go against who He is. 

Last September I was deeply struggling with feeling unloved while fighting to seek God as the answer. The year before last, I had made some promiscuous choices in response to those same feelings and I did not want to fall back into sin, believing that my idea of love was true. My heart was to be obedient to the Father but the emotion was so strong that it weighed heavy on my spirit which left me restless and discontent. I had started to see a counselor at that time who was helping me sort through my idea of love and how it correlated with my childhood. We finally got to a place where I realized that lust was not the answer to my longing for love. God was the answer to my longing for love. Coincidently, he defines himself as love in 1John 4:8. All I needed was Jesus. It was that simple. 

More then that, I was also trying to find a place to live in that time (back in September.) I was living with a good friend Kristi Pearson whom I love and will always be thankful for. We found out that our house was going to be given back to her ex husband who was fighting for custody along with it's possessions. As much as the emotional aspect of doing all I could to be strong for Kristi and love her through one of the hardest things that was happening in her life, at the end of the day I would lay in bed at night thinking, "Where am I going to go? I have no idea where I am going to go." Believing that the Lord was going to provide for me was beyond trying. Seeking his face was even harder, through the developing resentment...I always managed to find myself in these fleeting living situations that were everything but permanent. My cry for that whole month, I can still recall..."Lord! Give me permanence, give me peace. Please give me a stability I cannot deny! Help me to feel safe and more than anything Father, help me feel loved. I just want to feel loved." Haha and you know what the Lord did? He waved at me and smiled. "Dierdre you silly girl, I am right here." Matthew 11:28 

To this day, I struggle to place the Lord before me always but with my tattoo as a visual reminder (ironically, I am a visual learner) as well as through his written Word, I am pacified in those times of fear and feeling unloved. He will always love me, he will always provide for me. The two promises that I always seem to forget? are always the two promises that I am running to the most. 

To conclude this I was inspired to write about this topic in particular while pouring more creamer into my coffee at the Barnes. A man who had been watching me pour as he stirred his sugar asked me what the meaning of infinity was. I looked at him told him it meant things lasted forever. He then proceeded to ask me what the opposite of infinity was and if there was anything like it. I had to think for a second to gather the correct word, by this time we were venturing back to our seats in the café. As I sat down I looked at my tattoo. What is the opposite of infinite? I sipped my coffee and told the man whom was waiting for an answer. "Sir I believe the opposite of infinite is finite, something that comes to an end." He cocked his head and smiled, "I think your right!" 

Jesus is the only one who lasts. He is the only was who will see us through till the end. But even with Jesus there is no end, only a beginning. A great figure eight, I like to call my Jesus.

Dierdre

Valentine, Shmalentine....it's Tuesday.

I'm trying to think of the most authentic way to present this without coming off like I hate this holiday. And don't get me wrong, it's not because of the fact that I'm single or anything remotely related to my status. In fact, my frustration lies with the rest of this country, where thousands of singles and couples alike woke up this morning with one thing in common: expectation.

Having expectations isn't entirely bad...but only if your hope rests in them. I guess there's a fine line between desire and expectation. In any case, these expectations can flux between being as simple as expecting to be showered with gifts to anticipating complete emotional satisfaction from someone else. Before I go on any further, I'll come right out and say that this day legitimately used to be my favorite holiday a couple of years back. Yeaaa...slightly embarrassing. But of all people who could be writing about having suffered from romantic expectations, I believe I am completely qualified in this area...(also biased, but whatever.) I can recall the years where I spent this day in the pits of depression, bawling my eyes out because I had no pursuers yearning for an opportunity to share affection, sentimental gifts of flattery or words of affirmation towards me. Through many different circumstances, and by pure grace alone God has peeled back the blinding veil of what culture perceives as love and lays before me, Truth. I am set free because of it. So tonight I write in freedom from the bondage of expectation. More than anything I want it to be something that others can tangibly experience and step into as well, because it's so...what's the word I'm lookin' for....liberating. It really is.

Because Satan loves to toy with our weaknesses. He enjoys our slavery and our failure to know truth, and more then that? Satan loves to keep us from knowing Christ, one of his attributes being the author and pure definition of love. Because when we don't know what Christ has done on our behalf, having been the greatest act of love, our life is meaningless. Satan loves it. He loves us destitute for death. Ah, but when we know 1 John 4:8 and believe it...light bulbs go off in our heads!

God is love. Simple. Sweet. Almost cliché even...pretty sure they make bumper stickers with this smacked on it. What it should really say is "God is love! Regardless if I have a Valentine this year or not. Regardless if I'm single. Regardless if I don't feel loved. Regardless if ___________." (That might be a little much to put on a bumper sticker but you get the idea.)

Basically. This took me an embarrassing 4 days to write. Not because I don't have anything to say, but...mostly because I don't really know how to say it. All I know is that I have never been more content on Valentines day before in my 20 years of life...8 of which I cared. The Lord is so good to me. He has the capacity to love me in all the ways a man could ever. I read Psalm 139 and am reminded that he knows me beyond my own knowledge. I read chapter 53 of Isaiah and am reminded that by his wounds, not only are we healed but we are accepted by the Father. One of my favorite quotes comes from a Hillsong song where they put it like this - "Adopted as [His] own, alive to make [Him] known." Love that.

'Tomorrow is Tuesday. You will not catch me self-loathing over my singleness and associating my status with being unloved. God is love...period! I will be celebrating the love I have in Him today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. Valentine's Day is everyday my friends. There is no greater love than the One who not only died for you, but was resurrected in love of you.'

Loved, Dierdre

Ticking The Night Away

I can hear my wrist watch ticking from across the room because it's THAT quiet in here. (my room) It's...absolutely perfect. An ideal setting for a writer to hear their own thoughts at an audibly high volume.

When I close my eyes though, I hear the coarse grinding of coffee beans as the aroma fills my nostrils, expanding with my lungs. The room is dimly lit and my bistro table is placed conspicuously against a brick wall, which has been accessorized by large canvas paintings with bright colors. The soles of traffic can be heard clicking across the wood floor, only to be muffled by the rug which lay by the entrance...or the exit for that matter. My cheeks tighten and pull my lips into a crescent moon only to meet the crescent moon rim of my coffee mug....

When I think of relaxation, my mind trails off into this low key café experience that unfortunately only exists in my dreams. Pretty sad huh? I heard that Portland has some pretty great cafés. But let's be real...I live in Temecula. For now at least.

It's perfectly normal to keep a box of thin mints on your nightstand right? Whew. I thought so. I'm actually really surprised I've even still awake right now. I did a low impact weight workout around 8:30...then proceeded to take a sleeping pill to help me pass out. Usually the combination of physical exhaustion and 50mg of Diphenhydramine knock me out. I don't want to say I have insomnia because technically I would have to get diagnosed???? but I am showing symptoms of restlessness...or "underlying medical illness" as the back of the bottle suggests. My underlying illness? Sin. Just straight up sin in all of it's ungodliness. Let's just be grownups and call it like it is.

The scary part is that what I've been struggling with is something that can be covered up very easily. Not to say this justifies the sin whatsoever but it sure as heck makes it easier to get away with!...over and over and over again... Sometimes trying to understand why we do the things is beyond us. At least this is the conclusion I've come to...pertaining to myself in this area. It takes something or someone out of this world, whose is also in tap with the very core of our beings, to reveal the reasons for our choices. I really need to start scabbing up my knees a little, and become more acquainted with the floor. Prayers that come from a tangible, physical position of submission to God are so humbling that one has no choice but to be in awe of the Creator of their soul! Why have I let this kind of praying cease? How could I? He must reignite our flame from the ground up! Well...at least mine.

My sin has insnared me and I lack sleep this week because of it. I'm constantly turning my brain onto the 'low tumble dry' setting...which ultimately messes with my ability to shut down. Take it from me. Avoid that 'low tumble' setting at all costs!!! Processing every little detail can and will drive a person insane. Thankfully, I've been insane for a while now. So this is old news to us :)


I must conclude, but thanks for reading this far. I'll have more to share this weekend when my hours are  plentiful and my thoughts, succulent.

babbling,
Dierdre

Z

I think laying in bed right before sleep is the hardest. They always say its the time when the most thoughts occur. Usually I'd be ok with it, but when I reflect on my life...sometimes I can't believe it's mine. I lay on my back in complete darkness, closing my eyes to listen to the cars as they drive by outside my window. I'm so bored it almost feels clinical.

It's a boredom that get's me in trouble. Most of the time I make these impulsive decisions base upon a spontaneous thought or...feeling. I feel so much sometimes it's hard to discern between rational and irrational. I hurt myself and others when I jump the gun. I hate this about myself. I wish I could be better.

Its been people who have been keeping me lying awake every night. Sentences and faces float above my head like ghosts flooding in to haunt me. No matter how tight I shut my eyes, it's no use because they're in my head. There in my head..

Clips run, tape upon tape replaying sentimental memories of friends and family. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm cold with fear. I'm such a disgusting person. I've hurt so many people and I feel nothing. How can I say I love the Lord but treat His children with such disregard?

This...'boredom' that consumes me...is ultimately my selfishness exemplified. I am..the most selfish person. I have used and abused trust, taken advantage of families and defecated on loyalties, not to mention play the role of a harlot.


I am so disgusted with myself that I beg for forgiveness. Christ died for me! My sins are what pinned him there. His wounds have paid my random. Lord, your blood is sufficient for me! I was better off dead, but you saw me and said 'I want her in my family.' you see me and I am pure in your eyes. How can I go on living for myself? In response to all you have done? In spite of who I am? a sinner...Adonai, your grace quenches my thirst and I am hydrated. It is your love that keeps me. I am reminded that your love is freedom.

So why do I lay here in bondage? Surely I am free because your Word declares it! Forgive me for my lack of belief! My pride impairs me and I am crippled. My prayer tonight Lord is that you shed me of this skin that I may behold your glory and not my own. Amen.

Chips

Reluctantly pulled the covers over my body for a minute before I realized my desire to sleep and my desire to think conflicted. 15 steps later, down the stairs and to the left I sit at the kithen table with a half empty chip bag and a 16 oz. container of sour cream. My mind has decided to brew a fresh pot of caffeinated thoughts that hinders me from sleep...but needless to say I indulge anyway.

The funny thing lately is my mind likes to do this thing where it has an umbrella affect. The umbrella represents the main idea while whatever is under the umbrella represent the sub categories. Surely you know what I'm talking about. I am an average girl with an average thought process. Nothing new here.

I dip and chew some more. As provocative as it may sound I'm starting to believe I have an oral fixation. I have to have something in my mouth at all times, whether its food, a water bottle, a pen, my fingers or chewing gum. It's funny how we develop these habits that help make up who we are.

I sit on my bed now and continue to type away. Dusty (the dog) has decided to joined me where I find myself to be oddly comforted hearing his deep breaths as he exhales against the carpet. He is a rather dopey black lab, but don't tell him I told you so. I enjoy his companionship at night.

Funny how quick you can get tired once you turn the lights out. It's almost midnight so it's just as well. I have a long day tomorrow. Driving to Long Beach...the farthest away from home I've ever driven.


I'm still restless.
Dierdre

Dry Spell

Sometimes, I go through these awful dry spells which go between feeling everything and nothing simultaneously.





And just like that, my words run dry.
Dierdre

Mute Girl Speaks

I feel super refreshed this morning...er...afternoon. It's a beautiful overcast day in Temecula and I can't help but savor the blessing of having the opportunity to live in such a safe, conservative town. My beverage of choice today is the "all natural, no added sugar" Sparkling Blackberry Izze. Obviously it wouldn't be complete without a green straw to prevent my lipgloss from smearing. I listen to the coffee grinder as it blends expresso beans and the crackling of shopping bags as customers swiftly make their way to the exit. I'm wearing my favorite kaki jacket and skinnies. I feel good...carefree almost.

Earlier today, a complete stranger saw me struggling in the Walmart parking lot trying to put on a new steering wheel cover and offered to help. Not only was I completely thankful for his helping hands but completely aware of my stubbornness, and the need to be self sufficient. Let me just put it this way. I would of stayed in that parking lot till the cows came home and I wouldn't have ask anyone, let alone a man to help me. I was determined to do it on my own, even though it was very prevalent that dang steering wheel cover wasn't going to stretch itself. (They should really make those things with more elasticity!) The lessoned learned in this brief encounter? It says a lot about enormous amounts of pride that I put on like an accessory. The Lord is so good at revealing my heart sometimes, simply by providing shots of humility all through out my days. Thank you Father, for never giving up on me by bringing me into more likeness with your Son. How are you being humbled?

I like being humbled though. It keeps me on my knees completely in awe of the Lord and all that he has saved and continues to save me from. Trials that he has brought me through, promises he has fulfilled. I thought I was destined to have conversations with myself via my journals as a means of communication for the rest of my life! Haha...but seriously. He gave me a voice I never knew I had, and now I am able to express myself in His freedom. Of all the people he could have chosen to speak out against the injustice and wickedness that had taken place in my family for generations, He chose me. The one who didn't have a voice. We serve a countercultural, contradictory God indeed! I love it!

I praise You because of what you mean,

Dierdre

Sigh No More

It's the third day in a row that I am at the Barnes to write, but I'm actually writing this time. You can't rush these things you know? I type with a peppermint tea and shortbread cookies within reach. I guess you could say I feel very indifferent today. Something isn't right within me and I'm trying to write with the hope of hitting the epicenter. My temples hurt from wearing my glasses all day. My eyes ache from staring at a computer screen. My finger tips are sensitive to tapping the keys because I've chewed my nails down to little nubs. 

First, can I just say that I am the most boring 20 year old in all of existence? Who the heck comes to Barnes & Noble...on a Friday night...to write!? Aside from students I guess. But were still on Christmas break! So there's really no excuse. While majority of my peers are going out on dates, having coed sleepovers, drinking and partying...I'm here. Glasses. Tea. And and empty chair across the table. I'll share a little secret with you though. I'm slightly prideful about this moment. Innocent joy that no one has thought of yet. HA! At least that's what I tell myself anyway. One day my kids are going to look up at me, grab my hands and ask me what I did for fun when I was younger. With slight hesitation, I'll sweetly say "I drank tea and wrote on my blog." I can already see there little chest deflate with disappointment. "Mom. That's not fun!" Hahaha, maybe I'll make something up to better entertain their imaginations. My babies. I love them so much and there not even a realistic thought yet, considering 'Mom' and 'Dad' haven't even yet. 

I have dinner plans at 6pm tonight. Scratch that. Make that 7:45. I'm staring at the front door wishing something exciting would walk into my life. I feel like I'm always looking at doors these days, holding my breath to see if opportunity knocks. My legs are crossed and my left foot is shaking like it does when I'm found thinking. Boy, I could go for an adventure right now. Or a suspenseful mystery. A romance would be preference...or possibly even a thriller? Who am I kidding. Can someone please explain to me why I feel like my life hasn't started yet? Or maybe it has, and with this mindset I am stuck on the ground self-inflicting my confidence, preventing myself from taking flight.


Life is happening right now, am I wasting it?
Dierdre

She's A Visionary

 So it's Monday, January 2nd of the New Year and I am sitting here doing what I love which is seizing the moment; dreaming, envisioning and expressing. I couldn't imagine any other way to better establish what I will be doing for the rest of this year. More than this though, I am very excited for some resolutions that I have decided to pursue. Some are silly, some are serious...but all are with the hope of helping me become a more effective Kingdom builder. At least that's all that matters to me, anyway. God calls us to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19) actively building up His kingdom on earth. I often find myself doing the exact opposite actually. Investing all my time in selfish things that establish MY kingdom. At the end of the day, we are reminded that Jesus reigns and His kingdom is lasting. We are grateful because His kingdom will not be shaken.


On a separate not, I've got a whole lot of plans bouncing around in my head tonight which I would like to relay. A lot of ideas and desires surfacing...which is motivating but also creating tension in my present state seeing as I am still...*looks around* here. I'm not talking about earth, but I am talking about this town. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Temecula and would love to raise a family here one day. But I'm 20. Single. Ready to pursue an education in writing and ready to experience...or...take a bite of this apple, also known as life. Basically? I'm ready to conquer the world and no one's going to stop me. I fear nothing.


Don't get me wrong. I've considered the risks. Finding a job in the transition, getting approved for a credit card inorder to establish credit, staying connected to the vine as well as succeeding in my academics not to mention making sure my 93 Toyota Celica (aka Lady Diamonds) doesn't decide to kick the bucket. Everything else is pie. What makes me the most excited is that...I.get.to.start.over.


I never thought I would ever be excited to start over. It's such a testament to see how much God has worked in my life really. Never in a million years would I be up to starting over after investing so much time in this town. Technically I won't be giving up much, but it would still be uprooting and planting in another city. Knowing God as Provider and Father has pacified me to trust him with all my decisions in life. He will always provide for my needs. He will always make sure I am safe. He will always take care of me. He will always fall through. In His resurrecting power I can go boldly in faith knowing that no matter where I end up or what I am doing, He goes before me. That is true freedom, people. My anxieties are none. All this in saying, the Lord has taught me to let go of comfort that comes with being stagnant, and cling to him as the unchanging, faithful God. 


still learning Him, 
Dierdre