17%

I've only got 17% of battery life remaining for this post, if it's any indicator of how much life I have left in myself these days. That sounded super emo, if emo was still even a thing. I think we call it hipster now? Anyways. I just wasted a percent on this introduction.

 I've been feeling a little lost lately only because its amazing how much a job can give someone identity and self purpose. My routine is completely out of whack! And if you must know, my mental health relies on monotonous routine. I've been trying to refurbish my sense of purpose lately and it's been hard, in short, it's been really hard. CJ has been lovingly supporting us with his humble paycheck every month but I can't help but feel helpless. No one offers full time work anymore in light of the new law that requires that they provide benefits. So all I've been able to muster is part time work here and there. My current job (which will remain anonymous) promised me anywhere between 20-35 hours when hiring me. Liars! I had a huge cut in my hours recently because the fully anticipated "busy" season was a flop. I'm lucky if I'm working 12 hours a week. It's become very clear to me that I need to find a new job, and yet, it is easier uttered than to become a reality.

So I workout for an hour every morning and I research the Air Force Officer Training School frequently. I study and I apply to jobs. Neither my muscles nor my job status has come to fruition yet, but I am hopeful. CJ is so loving and understanding when I tell him what's remaining in our account once I am done paying our bills. I wish I could do something to save us. I wish I could join the Air Force now, and trust me I've considered it. It makes so much sense to join now and avoid working pointless jobs until I graduate next July. We would be able to move out and get our own place on base, wherever we were stationed! CJ would be able to finish school while being supported by me and he would work as a civilian on base doing Fabrication and Welding. We could possibly even start a family, something we have always wanted to do right away. After all this dreaming subsides however, I am hit with the realities. It's a lot more complicated than it seems.

We would have to get married first and foremost, at the Courthouse. Then I would have to leave for Bootcamp for 9.5 weeks or so. Not knowing when Bootcamp would start, we would possibly have to push the wedding back, something that we simply don't want to do since we're now only 10 months out and we've put a majority of our savings into. Also, I would be going in as Enlisted as opposed to an Officer. The pay would be less and who knows when I would have time to finish my degree! Getting my degree is hugely important to me as I would be the first of my parent's three children to get their BA degree. There's so many factors that while the idea seems appealing to enlist right now, right this second...I have to tell myself that God is in control.

CJ and I will figure it out and I will find a job that makes these next few months bearable. The exciting part is I get to apply for OTS (officer training school) come September, when I am officially one year out from graduating. Hopefully I am looking at possessing a 3.5 GPA at that point since that's what it takes to be considered. A 3.0 is all I need to be able to apply.  Good things are coming, I just need the patience to see it all through, one day at a time.