I'm starting to really love this wooden desk in my room. What once was used to collect clutter and assorted pay stubs, has now become a thinking station. Three books, two journals and two bibles. One lamp. One candle. One bag of inky pens. One cross ornament. One macbook. And one wine glass with paper flowers in it. I feel creative when I sit here. In fact, I plan on being here for a while, tonight.
I stare lazily at the blank wall in front of me. "In all honesty Lord, I am at a loss for words." I crack my wrists and close my eyes. Anxiety has become of me. I glance at the time. Realizing I haven't eaten much I contemplate tiptoeing down the stairs to grab a meal but I refuse to get up. My heart is heavy with...fleeting things. I wish I knew how to concentrate my energies on only the important things. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."
I'm trying Lord...please help me get to peace. Please help me to fall on my face in your presence, knowing that I may taste the fullness of joy. I feel like my heart is being dangled by it's veins, or rather...a boulder has been placed directly on my chest. I haven't known this anxiety in what seems to be a while but...I was reluctant for it to come back. No one likes to stare at a blank wall with hopes that something were to come of it! I'm restless again Lord...wishing my adventure would simply begin. I want to reason with you and tell you that I am ready for change. I'm ready to start my life! But the irony in that plea is that my life has already begun and I'm wasting it when I self loath and self-depreciate.
My battle is internal and completely in my head tonight. Where most take the practical route of falling asleep and dreaming their way through their anxiety, I like to be stubborn and think my way through the mental storm. Completely neurotic...completely idiotic. An hour has gone by and I have taken a couple of swigs of flavored water and turned off all the lights to pacify the throbbing taking place behind my eyes. "Tension headaches." Nothing unusual.
Transferring from one blank wall to the next, my gaze is no longer horizontal but all the more vertical. Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling fan...counting the blades as they circulate...
When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea. And when the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way...
~Dierdre
