It's quite possible I could be bawling my eyes out while I type this. I guess I'm a bit more emotional than I thought I would be. It all just overcame me while I was in the shower! I have no idea what happened. One second I'm shampooing my hair into a turban and then holding my face sobbing in the next.
For the first time I feel like I'm finally choosing where I want to go from here. It's not an obligation because honestly I could continue living my life like I am; jumping from household to household, barely making enough to cover bills and rotate between work, church and friends. There's nothing wrong with this lifestyle! But in terms of a living situation I haven't really ever had a choice. It's always the first place to open up. The first opportunity to arise. I've mastered the 'shuffle' lifestyle, but it's coming to the point where I need to make an executive decision. Continue moving around paying rent or live with my family and demonstrate the Gospel. Continue making $10 an hour or pursue an education and have an opportunity to make $15+ an hour.
I'm having the hardest time writing simple sentences right now. With every one, a new face pops into my head and my eyes blur up again with tears. I am going to miss so many people.
I can't help but wonder though! I can't keep myself from daydreaming of the day when I can finally experience normalcy! I'm twenty years old for pete's sake! All I want to do is go to school and own a dog. Maybe go on a run. Finish a book. Get yelled at for driving recklessly. Stay up late studying with a pot of coffee. Maybe ask mom if I could barrow a pair of heels. I mean, come one. These things are typical moments. Normal. I'll take anything.
My mind is pretty much made up. I feel like it's the practical, most logical and God given answer to my prayers. I'm still asking a lot of questions like how and when...but without a doubt I know the Lord will reveal those to me in due time. I'm thinking around April or May but who knows. For all we know, it could be sooner. Nothing is keeping me down here...
As I say that, a flood of faces hydrates my mind.
Dierdre
