It’d be a lie to say that it never came up. I mean what was I
expecting? To come up here and not even consider it? I spent all day yesterday
considering it. Making a list of pros and cons in my head. Some were legit, and
others just pathetic excuses to say the least. I fell asleep last night verdictless.
Just as confused as to when the idea was first conceived in my head.
I wonder how things would be between Chelsea, Ethan and I.
Would we fight? Would things be different? Have we all grown up? They say the
older you get, the better you get along with your siblings. First of all. Is
that really true? Could it be true for me? And then of course we would have to
consider our faith. I know were all in different places and believe different
things…I don’t know. I honestly feel like I’m not strong enough in my faith to defend
Christ in the way that He deserves to be defended! Not saying that I don’t want
to! I mean, it’s not only a matter of defending him but also revering him and
living a lifestyle based upon the Gospel.
I reflect upon who I am, and what I’ve done in the passed. My weaknesses. My
tendencies. I mean I’m legitimately scared that if I were to remove myself from
my little community of believers whom I’ve work very hard at surrounding myself
with - I would crumble. Hard. I guess
it has to be a balance of both; a combination of faith and
fellowship/accountability with others. Because the truth is, we were designed
to be in community with others. The intention would be finding a church to get
plugged into as soon as possible! Assuming the doctrine was biblical and they
were successfully making attempts to be a mobile church of compassion. I’ve
never experienced church before in my life like I have these past 4 years while
attending Rancho. Leaving would be extremely hard I don’t even want to think
about it. They literally have become family to me.
I’ve been thinking of all these things since Saturday morning.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around the right answer. There’s so many little
things to consider! Like my phone plan with Kristi, leaving my job, selling my
car…I mean we haven’t even considered the logistics of the move itself! I have
so much stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years that it would be a waste to
get rid of it now! I don’t know…more than anything I just want a light to shine
down on me with the audible voice of God telling me where I should go, and what
I should do. More than anything, absolutely anything!
I want to live my life for Christ. Everything else doesn’t matter. I do not
care about anything else other than living in response to His love. Lord…lead me. Place me where you would be most
glorified in my life, and that I may do it steadfastly and humbly. Father, help me to make radical decisions
based upon your resurrection. Remind me that the same power that raised Jesus
from the dead lives in me therefore I can do anything in Him because he gives
me strength. Help me to say yes to you when you call my name. Help me to be
strong for you.
Dierdre
Dierdre
