16

It's been 16 days that I've been late for my period. I guess I should really stop counting. I am neither pregnant nor buying another damn pregnancy test because those suckers are expensive. I have no idea why my body decided not to ovulate last month or why we are already halfway through this month and I haven't gotten my period. I'm thinking I may attempt to make another doctor's appointment to find out. The fact of the matter is: regardless if I am not pregnant, I would still like to know that I am capable of getting pregnant one day (i.e. ovulating normally) I guess I am really disappointed in my body. Everything was going fine until CJ and I thought we would make our official attempt last month to get pregnant, and now, my body is taking revenge by not showing signs of fertility at all! At least before I was getting my period regularly. At least I had that going for me.

Speaking of things 'going' for me, I applied to Univerity of Redlands today for their credential program. I have since scheduled my CBEST exam for March 17th. Everything seems to be going well so far, however, the pessimist in me is on the edge of her seat munching on popcorn waiting for something catastrophic to happen. Honestly, this would look like getting denied from Redlands or failing to pass my CBEST. I've been attempting to study every night but most of the time I am so exhausted from work that all I want to do is scroll endlessly on my phone and watch animal videos. *holds face in shame* It's kind of sad really. I don't know why I am so tired, lately! (NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT.)

Anyways, I feel this immense amount of pressure to be successful this year. I feel like CJ is subconsciously relying on me to get my career dialed in, but I'm nervous that I'm going to fail both him and myself. I keep thinking that I should really be getting paid more for having my degree, but then I feel guilty that I haven't made an effort to look for jobs that can offer me more money right now. Unfortunately, student teaching will force me to quit whatever job I have near the end of the program anyway, so it would be pointless to do this right now. I figure I will simply wait until after I have my credential to start job hunting for higher paying jobs. At least this is the plan, anyway.

It's 10:50pm and I am listening to an ASMR video while I write. (Something that has really helped with minimizing my anxiety, by the way!) I suppose I will end here. Until we meet again...


D