For those of you who weren't aware, I got a tattoo back in September. Probably the most impulsive decision I have ever made in the history of Dierdre's permanent decisions. It's pretty small and it's located on my right hand, in-between my thumb and index finger. I love the location for a couple of reasons, but I love the symbolism even more. As a firm believer that tattoos are so much cooler when they have a story behind them, this is me divulging mine. While overlooking all the mathematical linguistics of the infinity symbol, I really caved and got it for one reason and one reason alone.
Jesus.
Which is a little confusing for some people because they look at my hand and immediately think, "Infinity huh? That's cool I guess." So why not a cross? Why not two nails? Why infinity?
It's easy. Jesus is the only infinite being there is. The only infinite lover, the only infinite friend. "I am the alpha and omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end." He will never leave me, he will always stay the same even in the midsts of my inconsistencies, in the midsts of my imperfections and in the midst of my doubts. He will always love me, he will never leave me, he will never stop pursuing me, he will always fight for me, he will never forsake me... I mean I cannot emphasize it enough. He will always be the same. He will never go against who He is.
Last September I was deeply struggling with feeling unloved while fighting to seek God as the answer. The year before last, I had made some promiscuous choices in response to those same feelings and I did not want to fall back into sin, believing that my idea of love was true. My heart was to be obedient to the Father but the emotion was so strong that it weighed heavy on my spirit which left me restless and discontent. I had started to see a counselor at that time who was helping me sort through my idea of love and how it correlated with my childhood. We finally got to a place where I realized that lust was not the answer to my longing for love. God was the answer to my longing for love. Coincidently, he defines himself as love in 1John 4:8. All I needed was Jesus. It was that simple.
More then that, I was also trying to find a place to live in that time (back in September.) I was living with a good friend Kristi Pearson whom I love and will always be thankful for. We found out that our house was going to be given back to her ex husband who was fighting for custody along with it's possessions. As much as the emotional aspect of doing all I could to be strong for Kristi and love her through one of the hardest things that was happening in her life, at the end of the day I would lay in bed at night thinking, "Where am I going to go? I have no idea where I am going to go." Believing that the Lord was going to provide for me was beyond trying. Seeking his face was even harder, through the developing resentment...I always managed to find myself in these fleeting living situations that were everything but permanent. My cry for that whole month, I can still recall..."Lord! Give me permanence, give me peace. Please give me a stability I cannot deny! Help me to feel safe and more than anything Father, help me feel loved. I just want to feel loved." Haha and you know what the Lord did? He waved at me and smiled. "Dierdre you silly girl, I am right here." Matthew 11:28
To this day, I struggle to place the Lord before me always but with my tattoo as a visual reminder (ironically, I am a visual learner) as well as through his written Word, I am pacified in those times of fear and feeling unloved. He will always love me, he will always provide for me. The two promises that I always seem to forget? are always the two promises that I am running to the most.
To conclude this I was inspired to write about this topic in particular while pouring more creamer into my coffee at the Barnes. A man who had been watching me pour as he stirred his sugar asked me what the meaning of infinity was. I looked at him told him it meant things lasted forever. He then proceeded to ask me what the opposite of infinity was and if there was anything like it. I had to think for a second to gather the correct word, by this time we were venturing back to our seats in the café. As I sat down I looked at my tattoo. What is the opposite of infinite? I sipped my coffee and told the man whom was waiting for an answer. "Sir I believe the opposite of infinite is finite, something that comes to an end." He cocked his head and smiled, "I think your right!"
Jesus is the only one who lasts. He is the only was who will see us through till the end. But even with Jesus there is no end, only a beginning. A great figure eight, I like to call my Jesus.
Dierdre
