Loved

the Lord of the universe hasn't given up on me

He will find me in my darkest moment

he will plunge into the depths of the sea

where I have thrown myself away, cast aside and red eyed

he will reach out His hands; He will extend his arms 

out the ashes he will remove me

lifting me up onto lap he will place me

the Lord is my Redeemer

in Him I am made whole

he sees me 

he loves me

all together I am acceptable

all together I am made worthy

I am made wholly

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

He loves me as I am

I am enough
he calls me beloved,
I am loved.

all together,
Dierdre Michelle Madrid

Overthinking

As I reach for my ear plugs I can't help but wonder what I am sure of these days. I feel like my thoughts have decided to take on tornado like tendencies and more than anything I wish I could just stop thinking and allow my mind to shift into neutral. If only it were that easy...

My white mug sits empty on my night stand. I've already polished off my nightly cup of tea with honey. It's become a new habit; drinking tea at night. I couldn't imagine it being a good thing seeing as by the time I consume my last sip, I am way too relaxed to even consider getting up to brush my teeth! If my dentists asks?...you didn't hear that from me. I am very thankful for the tea though, it has been a nice contribution to helping me ease into bed at night. I just wish that when the box claims to be 'sleepy-time' tea...that it actually meant they spiked the dang stuff with meletonin and diphenhydramine combine! All this in saying...some people are sick of counting sheep, namely this girl.

I curse my restless soul on nights like this one. I never want to shy away from feeling what I'm feeling though. Maybe that's just the writer in me; wanting to feel and know every little emotion. More than anything I want to remain relative to people, and have the capacity to empathize with them. People are emotional. Don't ever believe the person who tells you otherwise. 

As much as I toss and turn in restlessness, I'd rather be this way than the opposite. I have to keep reminding myself that the ability to think is a gift from God. He made me restless for Him; caught up in His mystery. He keeps me uneasy. He keeps me thirsty. He keeps me moving forward. If it wasn't for emotional restlessness I wouldn't know my spiritual need for Peace and rest. It's all connected really. I was made to know Him. Nothing more.

"Our hearts will find no rest, until we find our rest in You." Joel Limpic

~Dierdre

Let's Walk Side by Side

Kick the rocks as we look at our shoes

Your presence is like the sun; surrounding me entire

Let’s make small talk as we look off into the distance

And glance at each other when there’s silence

I’ll hold your forearm and you’ll guide me by waist

We can look at the stores; see our reflection in the panes

I enjoy you a lot; when we look at the skies

I enjoy your thoughts; the shape your lips makes when you talk

and when you don’t.

I’ll let you barrow my heart, maybe we could exchange

My heart for yours, just for the day…

I’d be ok.

Yeah, I’d be ok with it.

Spiritual Hemorrhage

Why do I make my bed in Sheol?

Where the fiery furnace burns brightly

Not one of refinement, no

Not one to emerge from as pure gold

This furnace draws me in like a seductress

One slip and she's grabbed your hand

I choose her way, without considering

the cost is no more than a receipt thrown away

in a moment, one justifies wickedness

not revering the One who had to die

my hands are stained, but alas

I am being made new

He holds my hands; he wrings my rags

how can I be brand new?

Placing white on me, like I am pure...

the battle is no longer accepting His death as true

or believing that He is who he says he is.

My battle remains within; twisting and turning with personal acceptance

how can He desire this?

This pile of chaos,

self-loathing hedonist;

sinking in my cowardice...

heavily, I lay before you.

My sin not in part

every crumb removed from the floor

you wash my feet; and you carry me

who am I to be called to enjoy you?

to behold your face; to dwell within your courts,

restore my joy that I once had in You

set ablaze this fragile cavity

with a burning passion to live for you

impart an unending courage to remain faithful

and wisdom to know my hunger will never subside

without you to be my portion, forever.

Dierdre

Nesting

For the first time, I am writing from my very own bed, with my very own blankets and my very own pillows. My view overlooks the landscape, as my feet act like mountains at the end. Behind that, my TV can be seen resting upon my red side table, along with my DVD player and short stack of DVD's below it. I recline with a grin tonight, looking around my room in growing contentment. Just one step closer in the direction I've been plowing towards since I was 15 years old - independence.

I can hear the air channel through my esophagus more distinctly tonight given the ear plugs that have sealed my ears shut. After being awoken by  my roommate's tv replay the News through the wall for three hours this morning, I was determined to prepare for the situation just incase my roommate decided to be consistant with his awful habit of falling asleep with his TV on.

I'm broke, but joyful. I'm restless in myself but I am content in the Lord. As I lay here I can't help but wonder about a million and a half things; all in my flesh, and all with the intent to point me in the direction of worry, fear and fatigue. When we say with David in the Psalms that God is the strength of our hearts and our portion forever, do we really mean it? That is my prayer tonight. That Psalm 73:26 would be tangible, as real as the headboard that I am leaning on; as real as the keys I am typing with.

My desperation for a mighty, loving God is great. I pray that we stay thirsty; never ceasing to crawl to Him to be made whole, to be healed, and to simply be in His presence.

~D