Sing To Me The Plans You Have For Me

It's nearly 1 o'clock in the morning and I almost wonder if my abundant caffeine consumption this week has anything to do with my lack of sleep. I've casually consumed more coffee this week than I have in my whole lifetime. Slightly dramatic but totally serious. I feel vaguely ancy and I truly believe it's because I have an overwhelming underlying sense that I am wasting my life.

Every night I'm pacing, mentally. Going back and forth, interrogating myself. Is there more to my potential than this? Am I doing all that I can to reach it? Standing on my tippy toes for assurance. I want more. To do more. To be more. To know more. Granted, I'm not wasting my time entirely. Working full time takes up a good chunk of my week, but has made me realize how much I want to go back to school. I've come to the realization that if I ever want to go back to school, I'm going to have to be ok with working full-time still. I need the money, but I'm starting to realize I need the education too. My self-respect is relying on it. All this being said, I'm frustrated...and restless. 

So now I'm looking into my different options. Should I enroll in community college again? Take advantage of my Tuition Fee Waiver but ultimately suffer from the lack of classes to choose from? Do I pursue the private college revenue, such as applying to Cal Baptist or Azuza Pacific? They will have all the classes I'll need to take, but will totally risk getting denied from receiving scholarships and resort to having to take out student loans? All this makes me question my motivation. How serious am I? Student loans are expensive! Do I really want to go into debt? What if I never put my degree towards a career? Will I have wasted my time? Do I even HAVE time? Will working full time and going to school part time drive me insane? Do I have enough hair to pull out if that's the case!?............

Basically? I'm in a whirlwind. Worry begets worry. I haven't even mentioned that I have yet to get into a more reliable car before Lady D decides to kick the bucket. (Still cross my fingers every morning when I turn the key in the ignition!) There's so much on my mind I wish I could turn it all off. It's in moments like these where I desire companionship. Although now that I think about it, a glass of wine sounds ideal right now. I don't even care if I'm not 21 yet. It's not breaking the law if I talk about drinking it, right? ;-)

Why does growing up have to be so stressful?

~Dierdre

Blank Walls

I'm starting to really love this wooden desk in my room. What once was used to collect clutter and assorted pay stubs, has now become a thinking station. Three books, two journals and two bibles. One lamp. One candle. One bag of inky pens. One cross ornament. One macbook. And one wine glass with paper flowers in it. I feel creative when I sit here. In fact, I plan on being here for a while, tonight.

I stare lazily at the blank wall in front of me. "In all honesty Lord, I am at a loss for words." I crack my wrists and close my eyes. Anxiety has become of me. I glance at the time. Realizing I haven't eaten much I contemplate tiptoeing down the stairs to grab a meal but I refuse to get up. My heart is heavy with...fleeting things. I wish I knew how to concentrate my energies on only the important things. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

I'm trying Lord...please help me get to peace. Please help me to fall on my face in your presence, knowing that I may taste the fullness of joy. I feel like my heart is being dangled by it's veins, or rather...a boulder has been placed directly on my chest. I haven't known this anxiety in what seems to be a while but...I was reluctant for it to come back. No one likes to stare at a blank wall with hopes that something were to come of it! I'm restless again Lord...wishing my adventure would simply begin. I want to reason with you and tell you that I am ready for change. I'm ready to start my life! But the irony in that plea is that my life has already begun and I'm wasting it when I self loath and self-depreciate.

My battle is internal and completely in my head tonight. Where most take the practical route of falling asleep and dreaming their way through their anxiety, I like to be stubborn and think my way through the mental storm. Completely neurotic...completely idiotic. An hour has gone by and I have taken a couple of swigs of flavored water and turned off all the lights to pacify the throbbing taking place behind my eyes. "Tension headaches." Nothing unusual.

Transferring from one blank wall to the next, my gaze is no longer horizontal but all the more vertical. Laying on my back, staring at the ceiling fan...counting the blades as they circulate...


When the storm is raging all around me, you are the peace that calms my troubled sea. And when the cares of this world darken my day, you are the light that shines and shows me the way...
~Dierdre

I'm Scared To Write

"I'm Scared To Write" November 29, 2011

This is a silly poem I wrote in my leather journal last year when reflecting upon an old romance. I used to write poetry for him and about him all the time, so naturally to write in a poetic form made me think of him. As a result, and for the longest time, I couldn't write this way. I look forward to embracing poetic inspiration again, to make up for lost time.

I'm scared to write.
listen to how that sounds.
I'm a fool who cowers, regrets and remembers
he used to be everywhere
the passion to my pen
he used to deliver, but never again.
I used to write fluently,
like a dripping faucet on a drizzly day
you see...
ink dripping and splattering
along the way.
I'm scared to write!
because my passion is unknown
I write for what I do not know.
once for love, but only once and no more.
I'm writing without direction,
without a map or an oar...
I'm scared to write!
I'm scared of the turnout.
my pen is lighter,
the lines are thin.
No more words accept this
is it.

He Stands In My Place

I feel we as people go through so much change in our lifetimes. Influenced by so many second party distractions; whether that be the people we come into contact with, our circumstances, our ambitions etc...we morph into these individuals we see in the mirror every morning while brushing our teeth. Lately I've been conspicuously staring at the woman in my mirror with a cocked eye and partial grin as if to say "Who the heck is this chick." I'm constantly having to re-evaluate myself to make sure that I am who I am, living into who God is calling me to be, alining myself with his will for my life instead of settling as some kind fictitious Dierdre impostor who absorbed too much of the world and not enough of Jesus. All this in saying...I need to be baptized every morning. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

But isn't this something we are all struggling with ultimately? Dying to self and coming alive in Christ? Fighting off our old man and arising victorious as a new creation? This is a struggle for me to the umpteenth percent. Holding my old woman back with a locked elbow; fully extended. There are days when I fail however, and it's in those times of complete failure that I am reminded that no matter what, he will not give up on me. There will never come a day when he'll say to me "seriously Dierdre? You screwed up again? How many times do we have to go over this. Your such a disappointment to me." His love is like nothing we know here on earth. It is so far removed from any kind of humanly love we experience. It's crazy to think, huh? I often make the mistake of dumbing down the love of God to the love of a human. I have to remind myself that in a moment of weakness, when I succumb to my old ways and instantly feel those feelings of shame, guilt, etc...I know God's not going to turn up his nose and say "Eh, give me a couple of hours to get over this. Then we can talk forgiveness..." or give me the silent treatment. No. With God there is instant forgiveness, instant mercy and instant grace.

In light of these responses however, I have to challenge myself even further. Because when I sin, it's not just me making a poor choice in my flesh; but an offense to God directly. When we hold it up to the light with that kind of perspective, it changes things a bit. Our sins should not be taken so lightly by knowing that God is just going to forgive us because he is a 'forgiving God'. While this is true, it does not eradicate the fact that God is completely aware of your sin and hated it so much that someone had to die for it. God literally could not look at Jesus upon the cross because he bore your sin. That's how repulsive it was to God. If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will.

When I think about the mercy of God, my heart melts with an overflow of appreciation and thankfulness. I could not imagine living my life separate from Him. My neediness for God supersedes my need for independence. He is my everything and I when I think about my life prior to walking with Him, all I can think of is complete darkness. God has gotten his hands into every pocket of my life that at the end of the day when I lay in bed and recall the His instances, I see him actively pursuing me everywhere. From my job, to my home life, in my friendships and in my love life. There is not a day when I can say 'God didn't show up today.'

My heart is for you to be encouraged. More than anything my prayer is for you to encounter God in such an organic, genuine way that you would be compelled to be obedient to Him in times of temptation and struggle. I say this to you having given in to one of my struggles this past week. None of us are perfect, but when you love someone...their desires become your delight. "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)

~Dee

I am convinced
that loving me
is an immeasurable
burden.
Thank you
for handling it
with such
grace.
I know I am
& always have been
crazy,
but you
have never stopped
saving
my life.

-Tyler Knott Gregson

Blood + Wine

I like the look of myself sitting in this wooden desk with the light illuminating my dancing fingers on the keyboard, while their shadows mimic them. The combination of domestic things like the dryer down the hallway and the ceiling fan buzzing above me makes for a comfortable setting. It's Friday the 13th, which in all reality means nothing more to me other than the day my mom decided to take a plane down and pick me up for a weekend in Monrovia, California. This is me waiting for her and the taxi to arrive. I imagine them to park in the drive and then proceed to honk for me to come running while my mom's petite frame stands outside the vehicle with a smile on her face in anticipation. Excited to take advantage of this moment, allow me to proceed to elaborate on an epiphany I had yesterday, while in our prayer groups at bible study.


I don't know if it was a combination of feeling somewhat nauseous thanks to the gouda cheese in my fuji apple salad or if it was a result of a long week...but I was ready to talk. Once Adam paired me with Marisa to pray, I felt instantaneously at ease and ready to talk. She's such a calm spirited, joyful woman of God. The kind of woman that I hope to become one day.


We scooted forward and proceeded to talk. Nothing unusual. In my head I was thinking, "alright, let's see where the Lord takes this conversation." For the past couple of weeks I had been feeling a heavy-spirited. Not really sure what exactly was on my mind or on my heart...in all essence it was unexplainable. I knew it wasn't because of my sin because I hadn't succumbed to that 'particular sin' in awhile. All this led me to believe was that what I was feeling really couldn't be stemming from anything that happened recently. I sorted through my mental filing cabinet. What the heck could I be feeling? I literally had no idea. The frustration I was internally experiencing was insane.


For those of you who don't know my father (which is basically all of you) in order to accurately describe him, I would have to dedicate a whole other post towards his account. In a nutshell? He was a brilliant man with a sin nature; a sin nature that we are all guilty of. The only difference regarding this instance was that my father gave into his nature more often than he fought it. In result of his choices, our family suffered with the consequences which ultimately left our family destitute. The affairs affected my mom the most. All of this in saying, it's supposed to give you an idea of half the blood that runs through my veins. How my father's qualities have been passed on through an umbilical cord and into my being.



I am at battle with myself more often than I am at peace with myself. This doesn't disregard the notion that the Spirit is alive and at work within me, and that I should be relying on the Spirit more than I should be depending on myself to fall through in obedience to Him. "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18) Ultimately I desire to be obedient but my dependance isn't where it should be; gospel centered and reliant upon the resurrection of the Savior. Why can't I believe it when I sing on Sunday's "the same power that conquered the grave lives in me!" All this reveals is ultimately the pride I possess in my heart. Break me of this pride Lord, humble me to my knees that I may seek your face because I can't do this on my own.


Coming back to the original point I was trying to make earlier. My father's tendencies run in my veins and I can see them in my personal struggles; the sin that I battle on a regular basis. Lust and restlessness; both desires of the flesh and both extremely dangerous if taken lightly. Too much is at risk to act otherwise. By the pure grace of God, he has made this known to me at the age of 20. Prior to any kind of marital relationship and prior to having children. This does not disregard my desires to be a wife and a mother, it just makes me more precautions of what kind of sin I could be capable of, how to make the appropriate decisions and how I can set up boundaries for myself so if and when I do find myself in a relationship...I will act violently against what my sin nature gravitates towards. 


I have absolutely never cheated nor do I ever plan on it. But after seeing my dad completely disregard his marriage and seek out love in other places because he wasn't receiving any from my mom, I am reminded of how I handle the 'unloved' feeling very similarly. Never when in relationship with another human, but I am definitely guilty of doing so when in relationship with my heavenly groom; the One who is unseen. When I act upon the lust found within my flesh; I am completely disregarding the relationship I have with Him by not acting in such a way that would demonstrate my reverence and loyalties to our covenant. The covenant I made when I got baptized back on March 7, 2010...so a little over 2 years ago. Our covenant being, "Lord, I dedicate my life to you. I will follow you. I will love you. I will serve you alone. I am declaring my life to be a reflection of who you are and what you mean." Do my actions correspond? I'm involved with a Lover who not only knows my heart, but created it. Does my faithfulness show in my heart?


This whole time Marisa and I are talking through all of these things and encouraging one another on our personal experiences from when we had been tried and came out victorious. What felt like hours of pouring my heart out, was really a duration of 30 minutes. To give you an example of what it felt like, I guess you could say it was like that one scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula pulled out Ariel's voice and kept it. Totally a silly analogy, but in that instance it felt like Marisa was pulling my voice out, and I was able to talk things through.

To really tie together all the loose ends of what I've subconsciously been wrestling with...I'm scared to death that my unfaithfulness to my God may correlate with my potential unfaithfulness to my husband one day. Is this possible? Am I the only one making these absurd connections? Am I the only one over thinking this concept? And if so, is there any validity in it? And then of course, I am reminded that when I take communion, I am partaking in the cup of the Lord. Drinking the wine which resembles the blood and the bread which resembles the body. Surely my earthly father's blood runs through my veins, but my heavenly Father's blood has covered my soul! Surely the blood of my heavenly Father supersedes my earthly father's blood in that I am saved for eternity? The potential to take after my fleshly father is there, but the resurrection frees me from such bondage and I have the capacity to take after my heavenly Father. So I have hope...but tension...am I making any sense? I could be overanalyzing this outrageous fear of potentially having an affair on my husband one day, because my dad cheated on my mom...but what if this is major? I need to majorly get my act together if this is the case. All this in saying, I've never cheated, and don't plan on it. But then I ask myself, did the murderer grow up with the intentions of eventually killing someone one day? I lay all of these fears at Your feet.

My Lord, my Reward, my God...you have never forsaken me. You accept me with open arms when I come running to you like a prodigal daughter. You deal justly with me, and yet you withhold that which I deserve which is separation from you because of my sins. Instead you lavish me with mercy, present me with glory and wrap me in your robe of righteousness and grace. Help me to love you like Your perfect son. Help me to see you the way I saw you on the day I professed my vows to You. Ineffable in beauty, you alone are worthy of my undivided attention and my unceasing praise. Give me the courage to be who you are calling me to be, a child in awe of You.


~Dierdre

I have a dream...