I feel we as people go through so much change in our lifetimes. Influenced by so many second party distractions; whether that be the people we come into contact with, our circumstances, our ambitions etc...we morph into these individuals we see in the mirror every morning while brushing our teeth. Lately I've been conspicuously staring at the woman in my mirror with a cocked eye and partial grin as if to say "Who the heck is this chick." I'm constantly having to re-evaluate myself to make sure that I am who I am, living into who God is calling me to be, alining myself with his will for my life instead of settling as some kind fictitious Dierdre impostor who absorbed too much of the world and not enough of Jesus. All this in saying...I need to be baptized every morning. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
But isn't this something we are all struggling with ultimately? Dying to self and coming alive in Christ? Fighting off our old man and arising victorious as a new creation? This is a struggle for me to the umpteenth percent. Holding my old woman back with a locked elbow; fully extended. There are days when I fail however, and it's in those times of complete failure that I am reminded that no matter what, he will not give up on me. There will never come a day when he'll say to me "seriously Dierdre? You screwed up again? How many times do we have to go over this. Your such a disappointment to me." His love is like nothing we know here on earth. It is so far removed from any kind of humanly love we experience. It's crazy to think, huh? I often make the mistake of dumbing down the love of God to the love of a human. I have to remind myself that in a moment of weakness, when I succumb to my old ways and instantly feel those feelings of shame, guilt, etc...I know God's not going to turn up his nose and say "Eh, give me a couple of hours to get over this. Then we can talk forgiveness..." or give me the silent treatment. No. With God there is instant forgiveness, instant mercy and instant grace.
In light of these responses however, I have to challenge myself even further. Because when I sin, it's not just me making a poor choice in my flesh; but an offense to God directly. When we hold it up to the light with that kind of perspective, it changes things a bit. Our sins should not be taken so lightly by knowing that God is just going to forgive us because he is a 'forgiving God'. While this is true, it does not eradicate the fact that God is completely aware of your sin and hated it so much that someone had to die for it. God literally could not look at Jesus upon the cross because he bore your sin. That's how repulsive it was to God. If that doesn't humble you, I don't know what will.
When I think about the mercy of God, my heart melts with an overflow of appreciation and thankfulness. I could not imagine living my life separate from Him. My neediness for God supersedes my need for independence. He is my everything and I when I think about my life prior to walking with Him, all I can think of is complete darkness. God has gotten his hands into every pocket of my life that at the end of the day when I lay in bed and recall the His instances, I see him actively pursuing me everywhere. From my job, to my home life, in my friendships and in my love life. There is not a day when I can say 'God didn't show up today.'
My heart is for you to be encouraged. More than anything my prayer is for you to encounter God in such an organic, genuine way that you would be compelled to be obedient to Him in times of temptation and struggle. I say this to you having given in to one of my struggles this past week. None of us are perfect, but when you love someone...their desires become your delight. "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
~Dee
I am convinced
that loving me
is an immeasurable
burden.
Thank you
for handling it
with such
grace.
I know I am
& always have been
crazy,
but you
have never stopped
saving
my life.
-Tyler Knott Gregson
