There are many evenings that I come home after working a 9 hour day and feel overall jaded and restless. In fact, just last week I just about had it and purchased a gym membership as a means to entertain myself during the weeknights, which seems about average if your someone like me who needs to workout inorder to sleep at night. Just the week prior to that; I purchased a Spanish learners kit so I could teach myself spanish; a language that I've always wanted to speak fluently. I am currently reading four books, all of which I rotate along with the various places I go; the Barnes, Lake Harveston, the neighborhood park, a couple of random coffee shops as well as the traditional Starbucks stop. I've picked up a penpal as well...something to help pacify my desire to meet new people considering my social life is dwindling with everyday that I didn't attend public high school and don't attend a college campus. And yet, I feel like although I always have something to do, my life is simply passing by moment by moment without any kind of excitement, adventure or meaning. My life is mundane...to put it...mundanely. The saddest part? I have to remind myself everyday that I am 21 years old and not 62 a.k.a a senior citizen.It's not that I'm heavily depressed but I guess I'm suffering from a generic case of melancholia due to the simple season I find myself enduring. On Monday this week, I had an emotional breakdown at work while sitting at my cubical. Naturally right in front of my coworkers...oh it was awful. I never cry in front of people. I guess it had been building up for some time, because blubbering really doesn't happen every day. I've been daydreaming about the future a lot lately, and it looks nothing like the present. I'm starting to realize that I have goals. It sounds silly, but maybe I'm finally growing up? I've come to realize that there are things in life that I really want to do, things that I really want to touch, smell and tangibly experience. I want an education more than anything, (aside from a husband and children of course) but I would like a degree essentially in something that I love and feel passionate about, like writing or literature. I desire knowledge like it's going out of style! HOW that saying even makes sense is besides the point, but do you catch my drift? I want to start living life to the fullest. Is that too much to ask?
So here it comes; the big concept of this whole rant. What if I did it? You know, what if I started living the life that I imagined? What if I converted my dreams into plans, and my plans into realities. Surely the Lord didn't give me these desires to frustrate me, but to demonstrate Romans 8:32 and his willingness to provide all things. And so what if I do it all by myself? I've made a lot of excuses along the way, only so I could remain unaffected by the discomfort in potentially failing. But tonight I've come to the conclusion to renounce all of my fears, not only because it's liberating but also because it's biblical. 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that God gave us a spirit of power, love and self-discipline and that no matter where we go, His Spirit dwells within us. (Psalm 139:7-10) I believe that no matter what I decide to pursue in my life, assuming it's in alignment with what the Lord requires of me, all things will work out for good...
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
(The Lord of the Rings)
~Dierdre
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