I don't know if it was a combination of feeling somewhat nauseous thanks to the gouda cheese in my fuji apple salad or if it was a result of a long week...but I was ready to talk. Once Adam paired me with Marisa to pray, I felt instantaneously at ease and ready to talk. She's such a calm spirited, joyful woman of God. The kind of woman that I hope to become one day.
We scooted forward and proceeded to talk. Nothing unusual. In my head I was thinking, "alright, let's see where the Lord takes this conversation." For the past couple of weeks I had been feeling a heavy-spirited. Not really sure what exactly was on my mind or on my heart...in all essence it was unexplainable. I knew it wasn't because of my sin because I hadn't succumbed to that 'particular sin' in awhile. All this led me to believe was that what I was feeling really couldn't be stemming from anything that happened recently. I sorted through my mental filing cabinet. What the heck could I be feeling? I literally had no idea. The frustration I was internally experiencing was insane.
For those of you who don't know my father (which is basically all of you) in order to accurately describe him, I would have to dedicate a whole other post towards his account. In a nutshell? He was a brilliant man with a sin nature; a sin nature that we are all guilty of. The only difference regarding this instance was that my father gave into his nature more often than he fought it. In result of his choices, our family suffered with the consequences which ultimately left our family destitute. The affairs affected my mom the most. All of this in saying, it's supposed to give you an idea of half the blood that runs through my veins. How my father's qualities have been passed on through an umbilical cord and into my being.
I am at battle with myself more often than I am at peace with myself. This doesn't disregard the notion that the Spirit is alive and at work within me, and that I should be relying on the Spirit more than I should be depending on myself to fall through in obedience to Him. "For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:18) Ultimately I desire to be obedient but my dependance isn't where it should be; gospel centered and reliant upon the resurrection of the Savior. Why can't I believe it when I sing on Sunday's "the same power that conquered the grave lives in me!" All this reveals is ultimately the pride I possess in my heart. Break me of this pride Lord, humble me to my knees that I may seek your face because I can't do this on my own.
Coming back to the original point I was trying to make earlier. My father's tendencies run in my veins and I can see them in my personal struggles; the sin that I battle on a regular basis. Lust and restlessness; both desires of the flesh and both extremely dangerous if taken lightly. Too much is at risk to act otherwise. By the pure grace of God, he has made this known to me at the age of 20. Prior to any kind of marital relationship and prior to having children. This does not disregard my desires to be a wife and a mother, it just makes me more precautions of what kind of sin I could be capable of, how to make the appropriate decisions and how I can set up boundaries for myself so if and when I do find myself in a relationship...I will act violently against what my sin nature gravitates towards.
I have absolutely never cheated nor do I ever plan on it. But after seeing my dad completely disregard his marriage and seek out love in other places because he wasn't receiving any from my mom, I am reminded of how I handle the 'unloved' feeling very similarly. Never when in relationship with another human, but I am definitely guilty of doing so when in relationship with my heavenly groom; the One who is unseen. When I act upon the lust found within my flesh; I am completely disregarding the relationship I have with Him by not acting in such a way that would demonstrate my reverence and loyalties to our covenant. The covenant I made when I got baptized back on March 7, 2010...so a little over 2 years ago. Our covenant being, "Lord, I dedicate my life to you. I will follow you. I will love you. I will serve you alone. I am declaring my life to be a reflection of who you are and what you mean." Do my actions correspond? I'm involved with a Lover who not only knows my heart, but created it. Does my faithfulness show in my heart?
This whole time Marisa and I are talking through all of these things and encouraging one another on our personal experiences from when we had been tried and came out victorious. What felt like hours of pouring my heart out, was really a duration of 30 minutes. To give you an example of what it felt like, I guess you could say it was like that one scene in The Little Mermaid where Ursula pulled out Ariel's voice and kept it. Totally a silly analogy, but in that instance it felt like Marisa was pulling my voice out, and I was able to talk things through.
To really tie together all the loose ends of what I've subconsciously been wrestling with...I'm scared to death that my unfaithfulness to my God may correlate with my potential unfaithfulness to my husband one day. Is this possible? Am I the only one making these absurd connections? Am I the only one over thinking this concept? And if so, is there any validity in it? And then of course, I am reminded that when I take communion, I am partaking in the cup of the Lord. Drinking the wine which resembles the blood and the bread which resembles the body. Surely my earthly father's blood runs through my veins, but my heavenly Father's blood has covered my soul! Surely the blood of my heavenly Father supersedes my earthly father's blood in that I am saved for eternity? The potential to take after my fleshly father is there, but the resurrection frees me from such bondage and I have the capacity to take after my heavenly Father. So I have hope...but tension...am I making any sense? I could be overanalyzing this outrageous fear of potentially having an affair on my husband one day, because my dad cheated on my mom...but what if this is major? I need to majorly get my act together if this is the case. All this in saying, I've never cheated, and don't plan on it. But then I ask myself, did the murderer grow up with the intentions of eventually killing someone one day? I lay all of these fears at Your feet.
My Lord, my Reward, my God...you have never forsaken me. You accept me with open arms when I come running to you like a prodigal daughter. You deal justly with me, and yet you withhold that which I deserve which is separation from you because of my sins. Instead you lavish me with mercy, present me with glory and wrap me in your robe of righteousness and grace. Help me to love you like Your perfect son. Help me to see you the way I saw you on the day I professed my vows to You. Ineffable in beauty, you alone are worthy of my undivided attention and my unceasing praise. Give me the courage to be who you are calling me to be, a child in awe of You.
~Dierdre
