Rubik Emotions

I don't know what's different about me or what's causing people that I know kind of tilt their heads in concern as if to ask the same question. I don't know what's changed...I thought that maybe writing it out it would somehow come to me...but it's not. At least not in one paragraph worth.

I suppose I'm bitter, or the closest thing to it. Jaded...anxious. I don't know what for. I can't decide if it's because someone wronged me or if I did this to myself. Things like work and school make waking up in the morning (specifically the former) exhausting. I don't like the person I'm becoming, I don't like my thoughts, I don't like my disregard. I don't like how I haven't been writing...what do I've got to hide anyway? I feel like I've lost myself? Am I simply just wandering?

And yet in the same breath, I can honestly say that I am the happiest that I've ever been. CJ has awoken emotions within me that I thought I was incapable of feeling ever again - good ones of course! When were together, it's just as easy as breathing. Weeks into dating CJ, I somehow knew that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling him exactly that. I am slowly coming undone from this tight little ball that I've wound myself up in...it's a work in progress. Growing closer together with CJ is a rewarding incentive to continue laying down my walls. As far as my future goes, he is the only thing I am certain of these days. 

But coming back to it, everything besides my relationship feels like chaos. I just wish I enjoyed the other faucets of my life a little bit more. I'm wanting change and yet the thought of change scares me. In light of all these things, I find encouragement in this:

"And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm."

Matthew 8:26

Lord, calm my internal storm and restore my joy in you and in this life that I am called to live for you. Amen.

The Human Condition

"I do not understand myself. I want to do what is right but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. When I do the thing I do not want to do, it shows me that the Law is right and good. So I am not doing it. Sin living in me is doing it. I know there is nothing good in me, that is, in my flesh. For I want to do good but I do not. I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I am always doing the sinful things I do not want to do. If I am always doing the very thing I do not want to do, it means I am no longer the one who does it. It is sin that lives in me. This has become my way of life: When I want to do what is right, I always do what is wrong. My mind and heart agree with the Law of God. But there is a different law at work deep inside of me that fights with my mind. This law of sin holds me in its power because sin is still in me. There is no happiness in me! Who can set me free from my sinful old self?"

Romans 7:15-24