Z

I think laying in bed right before sleep is the hardest. They always say its the time when the most thoughts occur. Usually I'd be ok with it, but when I reflect on my life...sometimes I can't believe it's mine. I lay on my back in complete darkness, closing my eyes to listen to the cars as they drive by outside my window. I'm so bored it almost feels clinical.

It's a boredom that get's me in trouble. Most of the time I make these impulsive decisions base upon a spontaneous thought or...feeling. I feel so much sometimes it's hard to discern between rational and irrational. I hurt myself and others when I jump the gun. I hate this about myself. I wish I could be better.

Its been people who have been keeping me lying awake every night. Sentences and faces float above my head like ghosts flooding in to haunt me. No matter how tight I shut my eyes, it's no use because they're in my head. There in my head..

Clips run, tape upon tape replaying sentimental memories of friends and family. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm cold with fear. I'm such a disgusting person. I've hurt so many people and I feel nothing. How can I say I love the Lord but treat His children with such disregard?

This...'boredom' that consumes me...is ultimately my selfishness exemplified. I am..the most selfish person. I have used and abused trust, taken advantage of families and defecated on loyalties, not to mention play the role of a harlot.


I am so disgusted with myself that I beg for forgiveness. Christ died for me! My sins are what pinned him there. His wounds have paid my random. Lord, your blood is sufficient for me! I was better off dead, but you saw me and said 'I want her in my family.' you see me and I am pure in your eyes. How can I go on living for myself? In response to all you have done? In spite of who I am? a sinner...Adonai, your grace quenches my thirst and I am hydrated. It is your love that keeps me. I am reminded that your love is freedom.

So why do I lay here in bondage? Surely I am free because your Word declares it! Forgive me for my lack of belief! My pride impairs me and I am crippled. My prayer tonight Lord is that you shed me of this skin that I may behold your glory and not my own. Amen.

Chips

Reluctantly pulled the covers over my body for a minute before I realized my desire to sleep and my desire to think conflicted. 15 steps later, down the stairs and to the left I sit at the kithen table with a half empty chip bag and a 16 oz. container of sour cream. My mind has decided to brew a fresh pot of caffeinated thoughts that hinders me from sleep...but needless to say I indulge anyway.

The funny thing lately is my mind likes to do this thing where it has an umbrella affect. The umbrella represents the main idea while whatever is under the umbrella represent the sub categories. Surely you know what I'm talking about. I am an average girl with an average thought process. Nothing new here.

I dip and chew some more. As provocative as it may sound I'm starting to believe I have an oral fixation. I have to have something in my mouth at all times, whether its food, a water bottle, a pen, my fingers or chewing gum. It's funny how we develop these habits that help make up who we are.

I sit on my bed now and continue to type away. Dusty (the dog) has decided to joined me where I find myself to be oddly comforted hearing his deep breaths as he exhales against the carpet. He is a rather dopey black lab, but don't tell him I told you so. I enjoy his companionship at night.

Funny how quick you can get tired once you turn the lights out. It's almost midnight so it's just as well. I have a long day tomorrow. Driving to Long Beach...the farthest away from home I've ever driven.


I'm still restless.
Dierdre

Dry Spell

Sometimes, I go through these awful dry spells which go between feeling everything and nothing simultaneously.





And just like that, my words run dry.
Dierdre

Mute Girl Speaks

I feel super refreshed this morning...er...afternoon. It's a beautiful overcast day in Temecula and I can't help but savor the blessing of having the opportunity to live in such a safe, conservative town. My beverage of choice today is the "all natural, no added sugar" Sparkling Blackberry Izze. Obviously it wouldn't be complete without a green straw to prevent my lipgloss from smearing. I listen to the coffee grinder as it blends expresso beans and the crackling of shopping bags as customers swiftly make their way to the exit. I'm wearing my favorite kaki jacket and skinnies. I feel good...carefree almost.

Earlier today, a complete stranger saw me struggling in the Walmart parking lot trying to put on a new steering wheel cover and offered to help. Not only was I completely thankful for his helping hands but completely aware of my stubbornness, and the need to be self sufficient. Let me just put it this way. I would of stayed in that parking lot till the cows came home and I wouldn't have ask anyone, let alone a man to help me. I was determined to do it on my own, even though it was very prevalent that dang steering wheel cover wasn't going to stretch itself. (They should really make those things with more elasticity!) The lessoned learned in this brief encounter? It says a lot about enormous amounts of pride that I put on like an accessory. The Lord is so good at revealing my heart sometimes, simply by providing shots of humility all through out my days. Thank you Father, for never giving up on me by bringing me into more likeness with your Son. How are you being humbled?

I like being humbled though. It keeps me on my knees completely in awe of the Lord and all that he has saved and continues to save me from. Trials that he has brought me through, promises he has fulfilled. I thought I was destined to have conversations with myself via my journals as a means of communication for the rest of my life! Haha...but seriously. He gave me a voice I never knew I had, and now I am able to express myself in His freedom. Of all the people he could have chosen to speak out against the injustice and wickedness that had taken place in my family for generations, He chose me. The one who didn't have a voice. We serve a countercultural, contradictory God indeed! I love it!

I praise You because of what you mean,

Dierdre

Sigh No More

It's the third day in a row that I am at the Barnes to write, but I'm actually writing this time. You can't rush these things you know? I type with a peppermint tea and shortbread cookies within reach. I guess you could say I feel very indifferent today. Something isn't right within me and I'm trying to write with the hope of hitting the epicenter. My temples hurt from wearing my glasses all day. My eyes ache from staring at a computer screen. My finger tips are sensitive to tapping the keys because I've chewed my nails down to little nubs. 

First, can I just say that I am the most boring 20 year old in all of existence? Who the heck comes to Barnes & Noble...on a Friday night...to write!? Aside from students I guess. But were still on Christmas break! So there's really no excuse. While majority of my peers are going out on dates, having coed sleepovers, drinking and partying...I'm here. Glasses. Tea. And and empty chair across the table. I'll share a little secret with you though. I'm slightly prideful about this moment. Innocent joy that no one has thought of yet. HA! At least that's what I tell myself anyway. One day my kids are going to look up at me, grab my hands and ask me what I did for fun when I was younger. With slight hesitation, I'll sweetly say "I drank tea and wrote on my blog." I can already see there little chest deflate with disappointment. "Mom. That's not fun!" Hahaha, maybe I'll make something up to better entertain their imaginations. My babies. I love them so much and there not even a realistic thought yet, considering 'Mom' and 'Dad' haven't even yet. 

I have dinner plans at 6pm tonight. Scratch that. Make that 7:45. I'm staring at the front door wishing something exciting would walk into my life. I feel like I'm always looking at doors these days, holding my breath to see if opportunity knocks. My legs are crossed and my left foot is shaking like it does when I'm found thinking. Boy, I could go for an adventure right now. Or a suspenseful mystery. A romance would be preference...or possibly even a thriller? Who am I kidding. Can someone please explain to me why I feel like my life hasn't started yet? Or maybe it has, and with this mindset I am stuck on the ground self-inflicting my confidence, preventing myself from taking flight.


Life is happening right now, am I wasting it?
Dierdre

She's A Visionary

 So it's Monday, January 2nd of the New Year and I am sitting here doing what I love which is seizing the moment; dreaming, envisioning and expressing. I couldn't imagine any other way to better establish what I will be doing for the rest of this year. More than this though, I am very excited for some resolutions that I have decided to pursue. Some are silly, some are serious...but all are with the hope of helping me become a more effective Kingdom builder. At least that's all that matters to me, anyway. God calls us to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:19) actively building up His kingdom on earth. I often find myself doing the exact opposite actually. Investing all my time in selfish things that establish MY kingdom. At the end of the day, we are reminded that Jesus reigns and His kingdom is lasting. We are grateful because His kingdom will not be shaken.


On a separate not, I've got a whole lot of plans bouncing around in my head tonight which I would like to relay. A lot of ideas and desires surfacing...which is motivating but also creating tension in my present state seeing as I am still...*looks around* here. I'm not talking about earth, but I am talking about this town. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Temecula and would love to raise a family here one day. But I'm 20. Single. Ready to pursue an education in writing and ready to experience...or...take a bite of this apple, also known as life. Basically? I'm ready to conquer the world and no one's going to stop me. I fear nothing.


Don't get me wrong. I've considered the risks. Finding a job in the transition, getting approved for a credit card inorder to establish credit, staying connected to the vine as well as succeeding in my academics not to mention making sure my 93 Toyota Celica (aka Lady Diamonds) doesn't decide to kick the bucket. Everything else is pie. What makes me the most excited is that...I.get.to.start.over.


I never thought I would ever be excited to start over. It's such a testament to see how much God has worked in my life really. Never in a million years would I be up to starting over after investing so much time in this town. Technically I won't be giving up much, but it would still be uprooting and planting in another city. Knowing God as Provider and Father has pacified me to trust him with all my decisions in life. He will always provide for my needs. He will always make sure I am safe. He will always take care of me. He will always fall through. In His resurrecting power I can go boldly in faith knowing that no matter where I end up or what I am doing, He goes before me. That is true freedom, people. My anxieties are none. All this in saying, the Lord has taught me to let go of comfort that comes with being stagnant, and cling to him as the unchanging, faithful God. 


still learning Him, 
Dierdre