Tossing & Turning

Laying in a pitch black room staring at the ceiling. Made it in and out of the shower in record! Only 1:40am. Early enough to lay and ponder. To my right? A pillow. It keeps me company for now...putting a modest twist to the notorious term "pillow talk". Once i turn to my side, it will fullfill it's
duty as "big spoon."

As you've probably gathered, I'm restless. Hungry for answers. I wish I'd wake up to a ginormous answer written in God hand on my bathroom mirror, signed with autographed initials "JC". So much to consider having discussed with my brothers and sisters at bible study tonight about the potential move to norcal. I love those peeps to death, they bring me so much joy to my soul. They are saints, truly. Every single one.

Sometimes I wonder what decision the apostle Paul would make. Not to glorify him or place him above Jesus but Paul spent his whole life making radical decisions which made his ministry that much more rich and edifying! Not to mention ultimately glorifying Christ....


...zzzzZzzz
Dierdre

Two Thousand Eleven

There was such an accumulation of moments but I can remember every single one like it happened yesterday. I guess being a journaler will do that to you, compacting life into a tiny flip book you can access at any given point in time.

On a more serious note though, I want to take the time to personally appreciate every single family that has taken me in this year, allowing me to sleep in their home and for a temporary time share life with them and their family. In light of Matthew 25:40, thank you for allowing yourselves to be used by God. I will always remember you for your Christlikeness and fulfilling the true definition of what Church means. (The Saldana Family, the Salute Family, the Stoltz Family, the Joseph Family, The Pearson Family and the Wegner Family.) Great are your rewards in heaven! Thank you!...thank you!...thank you!...thank you!...thank you!...thank you! Thank you everyone who invested and didn't give up on me.

There's so much to be thankful for ones' only response is dropping to their knees in worship. I love my life, I love the people who have come into my life (even the ones who are no longer) as well as the experiences I have been able to contribute to my testimony. It's feels like every year, I'm marking my height higher and higher. Growing up, although defying gravity, is similar to gravity being you can't stop it. This year I have obtained a good couple of inches...metaphorically speaking. If I could put an age on myself? I feel like I'm 25. Not too shabby, considering in reality I'm only 20. Life will do that to you sometimes.

I think the biggest..."growing pain" was definitely overcoming the most exhausting, heart wrenching and deceiving relationship I've ever been involved in. It's relationships like this one where it's impossible to walk away unchanged. Obviously for the better. For years, I thought he was the one. Write-my-name-with-his-last-name kind of thing. I would of never stopped fighting had I had known there was a chance for restoration. But we were young, disillusioned and misinformed. I will never forget the countless nights of heaving myself to sleep because I was so broken from loving him. I have never loved so passionately nor fought so stubbornly for someone else. Let's just call it a lesson learned. This relationship taught me that nothing finite is certain. Only that which is infinite can be certain, directing our gaze to the omnipotent God.. I pray that the next time I go to battle, it is solely for my husband. Love isn't a mere feeling, but a choice one makes daily. Assuming I marry someday, I know my husband will prayerfully go to war for me too. From what I've gathered to be the secret to every fruitful, Christlike relationship? Grace. I pray the Lord blesses me with one that eats, sleeps and breathes it.

I've got a long way to go, and I'm stoked on every moment coming my way. I know the Lord has no intentions of giving up on me...haha! No way. He's not done with us yet. He will finish what he's started! He will see us through till we are refined as pure gold standing before His throne.

Cheers to you friend, may 2012 allow you to experience and enjoy God in ways you never knew existed. 

Dierdre

A Step Towards Normalcy

It's quite possible I could be bawling my eyes out while I type this. I guess I'm a bit more emotional than I thought I would be. It all just overcame me while I was in the shower! I have no idea what happened. One second I'm shampooing my hair into a turban and then holding my face sobbing in the next.

For the first time I feel like I'm finally choosing where I want to go from here. It's not an obligation because honestly I could continue living my life like I am; jumping from household to household, barely making enough to cover bills and rotate between work, church and friends. There's nothing wrong with this lifestyle! But in terms of a living situation I haven't really ever had a choice. It's always the first place to open up. The first opportunity to arise. I've mastered the 'shuffle' lifestyle, but it's coming to the point where I need to make an executive decision. Continue moving around paying rent or live with my family and demonstrate the Gospel. Continue making $10 an hour or pursue an education and have an opportunity to make $15+ an hour.

I'm having the hardest time writing simple sentences right now. With every one, a new face pops into my head and my eyes blur up again with tears. I am going to miss so many people.

I can't help but wonder though! I can't keep myself from daydreaming of the day when I can finally experience normalcy! I'm twenty years old for pete's sake! All I want to do is go to school and own a dog. Maybe go on a run. Finish a book. Get yelled at for driving recklessly. Stay up late studying with a pot of coffee. Maybe ask mom if I could barrow a pair of heels. I mean, come one. These things are typical moments. Normal. I'll take anything.

My mind is pretty much made up. I feel like it's the practical, most logical and God given answer to my prayers. I'm still asking a lot of questions like how and when...but without a doubt I know the Lord will reveal those to me in due time. I'm thinking around April or May but who knows. For all we know, it could be sooner. Nothing is keeping me down here...

As I say that, a flood of faces hydrates my mind.
Dierdre

I'll Be Home For Christmas: Sunday

It’d be a lie to say that it never came up. I mean what was I expecting? To come up here and not even consider it? I spent all day yesterday considering it. Making a list of pros and cons in my head. Some were legit, and others just pathetic excuses to say the least. I fell asleep last night verdictless. Just as confused as to when the idea was first conceived in my head. 

I wonder how things would be between Chelsea, Ethan and I. Would we fight? Would things be different? Have we all grown up? They say the older you get, the better you get along with your siblings. First of all. Is that really true? Could it be true for me? And then of course we would have to consider our faith. I know were all in different places and believe different things…I don’t know. I honestly feel like I’m not strong enough in my faith to defend Christ in the way that He deserves to be defended! Not saying that I don’t want to! I mean, it’s not only a matter of defending him but also revering him and living a lifestyle based upon the Gospel. I reflect upon who I am, and what I’ve done in the passed. My weaknesses. My tendencies. I mean I’m legitimately scared that if I were to remove myself from my little community of believers whom I’ve work very hard at surrounding myself with - I would crumble. Hard. I guess it has to be a balance of both; a combination of faith and fellowship/accountability with others. Because the truth is, we were designed to be in community with others. The intention would be finding a church to get plugged into as soon as possible! Assuming the doctrine was biblical and they were successfully making attempts to be a mobile church of compassion. I’ve never experienced church before in my life like I have these past 4 years while attending Rancho. Leaving would be extremely hard I don’t even want to think about it. They literally have become family to me.

I’ve been thinking of all these things since Saturday morning. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the right answer. There’s so many little things to consider! Like my phone plan with Kristi, leaving my job, selling my car…I mean we haven’t even considered the logistics of the move itself! I have so much stuff that I’ve accumulated over the years that it would be a waste to get rid of it now! I don’t know…more than anything I just want a light to shine down on me with the audible voice of God telling me where I should go, and what I should do. More than anything, absolutely anything! I want to live my life for Christ. Everything else doesn’t matter. I do not care about anything else other than living in response to His love. Lord…lead me. Place me where you would be most glorified in my life, and that I may do it steadfastly and humbly. Father, help me to make radical decisions based upon your resurrection. Remind me that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me therefore I can do anything in Him because he gives me strength. Help me to say yes to you when you call my name. Help me to be strong for you.




Dierdre

I'll Be Home For Christmas: Friday

Ethan’s laying on the ground by the window sleeping soundly like the baby brother he is. I can’t help but smile warmly at being able to embrace this moment. He’s no longer a link I can click on and live vicariously through old status updates. He’s going to wake up and I’ll know exactly what he’s up to. What his life entails. His plans for the day. Hear his voice, encounter his person. Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? I guess when you go without for so long, you really appreciate everything.

All three of them sleep on the floor. It’s one of those things that makes you smile at the simplicity of it. Everything in this home is an expression of who my mom is. The whole inside of the house has been decorated for Christmas. Nutcrackers, Christmas trees, stockings, lights, snow men, reindeer, Santa’s…you get the idea. Candles have also been put out. I want to light them, but it looks like their wicks are virgin. I would hate to be ‘that guy’ who ruined their quality by lighting them. I wish I could write about everything out in explosive detail but the morning constricts me…and by morning I really mean ‘my lack of caffeine.’

I wish I had my cup of coffee but it was literally impossible to find the sugar. At one point, I almost dumped rice in my coffee thinking it was extremely coarse sugar. Can you blame me? Trying to make rational decisions without coffee in the morning is like pulling an all nighter and expected to run a marathon the same day – it’s a hopeless cause.

I’m sucking it up and I’m drinking my coffee without any sugar. Let the record show, only truly desperate people do this. Good thing there was milk to dilute it by 50%. Aside from good morning, it’ll probably be the first question I’ll ask my mom when she wakes up. “Good morning Mom…uh where’s the sugar?” It’s almost 9 and they’re still sleeping. I abhor how I’ve trained my body to wake up naturally around seven when it completely goes to waste in a situation like this one. 

Ethan was laying awake staring at the ceiling a couple of minutes ago though. He’s clearly fighting the same battle I gave in to; the battle to avoid waking up. I don’t blame him. Last night I dreamt I was being proposed to by an amazing man. I distinctly remember looking at my ring and then looking up at him like a wide eyed child who had just seen a magic trick. He was proudly announcing our engagement and held my hand. I remember thinking to myself…“he loves me…he loves me!” Dreams are funny sometimes.

I’m not engaged, but betrothed in love and compassion forever.

{Hosea 2:19-20} 

I'll Be Home For Christmas: Thursday PM

I’m sitting in the terminal by my gate which is 406 and I can’t help but look around at all the new faces that I see. I’m absorbing everything at this point. The girl sitting on my left is doing homework. All I wanna know is who the heck does homework on Christmas break? Christmas hasn’t even happened yet! Is it just me?

A lot of interesting faces, not a single cute soul in the perimeter. I scrunch my nose with disappointment. In all honesty, I’m not looking for anything. I guess I just get curious sometimes. God has made is very clear (especially upon the termination of my last relationship) that he desires complete commitment to a season of singleness. The funny thing is I honestly have no other options haha...Doesn’t that sound terrible? But it’s true. I don’t know as many guys as other girls do in this town. I mean, that makes it sound like I haven’t been living here for that long, but still. All the guys I know are from church and if not from church, then through other friends from church. I absolutely love my friends, so it’s not a matter of being discontent. But in terms of potential guys to date? I can’t think of one guy I’d want to date…well wait, let me rephrase that. I can think of a couple of men but the chances of them ever being interested in me is near to impossible. What can ya do. Most couples I know either met or knew each other from highschool. I however did not go to public highschool down here, which poses a dating disconnect. Basically? My guy pool is dinky.

All I’m really trying to say is that the Lord is going to have to bring a man to me and I cannot be wasting time looking for him. Because I have wasted a lot of time. The only thing I can be doing right now is refrain from becoming stagnant and prepare through my relationship with Jesus. I have no other desires than to do just that. I love my Jesus, He is all sufficient for me. The best part? My Jesus loves me more than any man could. 

Were in the air now and I can honestly say take off was the worst experience of my life. I say that with a lot of exaggeration but at least you get the idea. So much turbulance, that my palms were wet with sweat gripping the arm rests. Thankfully the two other people in my row are women, one young and old. My seat of choice was limited being in section B 12 but regardless, I took an in isle seat where peanuts would be easily accessible. I already finished my one pathetic excuse for a bag and have moved on to my bag of pretzels. I really wish I would have eaten prior to my flight but spending $13 on an airport sandwhich was out of question.

My seat also overlooks the wings which puts me directly in the middle of the plane. I kinda wish I didn’t get such a view because the wings make me nervous. I keep having to rebuke a million awful scenarios all of which result with the plane crashing and ultimate death. Whatever happens, happens…but as long as my ginger ale gets delivered to me we’ll be able to go on from here. I don’t even want to think about landing…oh my gosh.

Were almost there. Pray for me. I’m legitimately scared. The only good thing about this flight is that we get a beautiful view of the sunset.

Here’s to a new experience,

Dierdre

I'll Be Home For Christmas: Thursday AM

It's 1:24am on the day that I'm supposed to leave for Norcal to visit mom, Chelsea and Ethan. I feel like this week just FLEW by. I feel like I've hardly had time to breathe, let alone sleep. There's so much to do! And I'm feeling very overwhelmed. That would probably be the best word to describe how I'm feeling this exact moment. Overwhelmed. My suitcase is completely empty but I already know I'm going to forget something crucial. Something like my cell phone charger or maybe even my razor. Unshaved armpits wasn't exactly.....whatever.

I'm so tired with heavy lids, but I'm scared that if I go to bed right now while my brain is in 'pack' mode, I'll forget something. I made a to do list for when I wake up...

My inner control freak is dominating the situation. Everything has to be perfect. Perfect outfits for the weekend, perfect gifts for the family, perfect timing to the airport, perfect flight... perfect this perfect that. I'm exhausted you guys! I wish I could just chill out.

I'm scared that I'm gonna miss my flight, I'm scared that I'm gonna be scared on the plane. I'm scared that I might get lost...

as much as I love new adventures, I absolutely hate how I can't control this situation because I've never flown before and I haven't seen my family in two years.

Wish me luck,
Dierdre

The Facts

In my whopping 20 years of life, I've come to this premature conclusion. Some of you might or might not agree with me, but bare with me for a second. I'm just gonna throw this out there for whoever wants to catch it.

People are going to ask about your life. It's inevitable. You know exactly what I'm talking about. The "how was your weekend?" or the habitual "how are you?" I don't even know why we ask those questions because 99.9% of the time were not even listening. Those questions have literally become so default that we don't even realize when were asking them. Does that make sense? I suppose it's become American culture to inquire how someone is doing but not really mean it... People are going to ask questions and (assuming they're listening) they ask these questions initially for (what I believe to be) two reasons: 

A.) because they're curious or 

B.) because they actually care. 

I've had a lot of people ask me questions about my life. Sometimes I catch myself answering them like they're my best friend or like I've known them for years. What I mean by that is I begin to share intimate details without even taking into consideration how much I'm actually sharing. Do you do this? People are more than accommodating as well. They'll probe and pry asking more and more questions. I find this to be oddly disillusioning. You see, ask anyone and chances are they're up for a good story. However, where can we draw the line and discern whether they're asking because they care, or if they're asking because they're curious? Is it wrong to answer elaborately or should there be a sense of showing more reserve and modesty?

hmm,
Dierdre

Breaking The Ice

The truth is, I'm a terrible writer. Half the time I can't even hold a thought process long enough to write about it. My vocabulary could be way more extensive and my thoughts and opinions could be way more stimulating. But ask me if I love to write? And I will go weak at the knees. Writing, after praying, is my remedy to everything.  It just helps to me express all my emotions, thoughts, insecurities and dreams into a non-judgmental, unresponsive text box in hope that someone else may feel inspired by it. I'm a 20 year old girl trying to unravel myself and this life one sentence at a time. I don't want to overlook anything. I'm a terrible writer but I have the ambitions to write until my brain explodes...or rather, engage in the "practice makes progress" approach. I don't know what the initial catalyst was to the whole motion of starting a new blog but I have a couple of guesses. My previous blog Passion & Patience went back a couple of years, so it could of very easily had been the history there. I guess the reason doesn't hold much importance. Point is, I'm here. I'm willing to write. I'm eager to write. And I'm excited that your here reading this now.

My name is Dierdre Madrid and I am the author of this blog (if it wasn't already implied.) I've been writing for 13 years now and it's helped me to embrace transparency. If you were to ask me what's something I value the most it would be the Gospel - the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. If you were to ask me what my biggest fear was, it would be wasting my life.

Welcome to my journey
Dierdre