Z

I think laying in bed right before sleep is the hardest. They always say its the time when the most thoughts occur. Usually I'd be ok with it, but when I reflect on my life...sometimes I can't believe it's mine. I lay on my back in complete darkness, closing my eyes to listen to the cars as they drive by outside my window. I'm so bored it almost feels clinical.

It's a boredom that get's me in trouble. Most of the time I make these impulsive decisions base upon a spontaneous thought or...feeling. I feel so much sometimes it's hard to discern between rational and irrational. I hurt myself and others when I jump the gun. I hate this about myself. I wish I could be better.

Its been people who have been keeping me lying awake every night. Sentences and faces float above my head like ghosts flooding in to haunt me. No matter how tight I shut my eyes, it's no use because they're in my head. There in my head..

Clips run, tape upon tape replaying sentimental memories of friends and family. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm cold with fear. I'm such a disgusting person. I've hurt so many people and I feel nothing. How can I say I love the Lord but treat His children with such disregard?

This...'boredom' that consumes me...is ultimately my selfishness exemplified. I am..the most selfish person. I have used and abused trust, taken advantage of families and defecated on loyalties, not to mention play the role of a harlot.


I am so disgusted with myself that I beg for forgiveness. Christ died for me! My sins are what pinned him there. His wounds have paid my random. Lord, your blood is sufficient for me! I was better off dead, but you saw me and said 'I want her in my family.' you see me and I am pure in your eyes. How can I go on living for myself? In response to all you have done? In spite of who I am? a sinner...Adonai, your grace quenches my thirst and I am hydrated. It is your love that keeps me. I am reminded that your love is freedom.

So why do I lay here in bondage? Surely I am free because your Word declares it! Forgive me for my lack of belief! My pride impairs me and I am crippled. My prayer tonight Lord is that you shed me of this skin that I may behold your glory and not my own. Amen.