Espera

Waiting.
What does that even mean?
Does it mean at the end of the road, our unknown abode
I will be sitting?
I look to the right, to the sky and to the left
"Maybe he's not coming?" says my pessimist at best
"Maybe he's rushing!" says the romantic in my chest
Eagerly anticipating your arrival, I swing my legs on the fence.

Waiting.
What does that even mean?
Maybe it's reading a book, with a serious look.
If I can't see you, you won't keep me pacing
Flipping page by page, the seasons turn from
green, yellow, orange and blue...
Maybe you'll show up if my eyes don't look for you?
I read between the lines.

Waiting.
Self controlled expectation.
Sacrificial abandon, of one's impulse to fulfill desire
A humble approach, of one seeking to glorify the Creator
Waiting is pacing, with praying hands and mobile feet
Waiting is intuitive, when given a taste of something sweet.
Waiting is an action, it's a language of a captivated heart.
Waiting is saying you're worth it.
To me, you are.


~Dierdre

Simple Things

My routine this weekend took a turn for the spontaneous as I worked from home all day Saturday and went to breakfast with my boss and his family this morning, which was a pleasant surprise indeed. This whole time I was convinced the number 12 wasn't on the menu until my boss's 10 year old daughter pointed out on her kid's menu that it was in fact on 'a menu.' All this in saying, I love being spontaneous. Almost as much as I love my routine! I enjoy the thrill of doing something completely unplanned, as long as it fits within the pockets of my usual routine! Does that make sense? The funny thing is, although I was with different people, on a different day I still order the same thing. Some call me predictable. I just call it consistency.

I like to think I like change, but lately I've been doubting this. I like having things set to where I know they will work out and won't let me down. Like my pancakes that I order every Saturday, for example. They're absolutely delicious! Guaranteed every time. Why would I order anything else if they make me happy? I know they will always cost 6 bucks, and thats including tip! The practical side of me is totally nodding in agreement. Yes, it makes perfect sense! But then there's always the other half that says "Who cares about consistency. Live a little Dierdre!!!!!" Obviously I'm torn. I can't make up my mind. It's an every day gamble. It's a flipping of a coin. Someone told me once that there's a coin flipping app on our iphones. I should really get it. I'm slightly kidding, but mostly serious.

On a side note, this new tea I'm trying at this new café I'm at is seriously making it hard to get through one paragraph without having an overwhelming urge to pee. Is that tmi? Who cares, this is my blog, I can say whatever I want! Ayoooooooo!

Anyways. Lately I've been feeling somewhat restless which, let's be honest...isn't unusual. But even more than that, I've been feeling more lost than ever, not really sure what I should be doing with my life at this point. I know every one goes through these foggy valley's but I seriously have no idea what I'm supposed to do with my life. I look around at some of my peers (which is the first thing they tell you not to do) and I feel like they are so much more accomplished than I am. Setting aside my desires and setting aside my dreams, I can't deny that I have this overwhelming weight that I should be doing so much more with my life. I mean, let's just point out the obvious...I'm single. Not going to school. Working a full time job. And serving in church on Sundays. I mean...I'm content and comfortable...but I know the Lord is calling me to so much more than the comfort found within the American dream. Heck! I want more for myself than that. Anyone else battling with this? Here I go asking questions again. Honestly, I've considered just packing up my bags and moving to the east coast. Dramatic huh?

My point is...well. I guess I don't really have one. I'm lost...but not really. I know what I want and I know what I want to do...but I feel so small.

When I dream, I'm taking on the world. I'm in love with a loving man and I'm meeting with a broken girl as she pours her heart out about her broken life. I'm drinking coffee and writing a book. I'm holding my child. I'm laying on the floor laughing while getting my face licked by my dog. Simple things...simple things...simple things.


Maybe this is what the Lord has for me, or maybe it's something totally different. Maybe I won't ever find out...or maybe that's not the attitude to have. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait on the Lord.



I will wait,
Dierdre

Unforsaken

Who am I to stand before a Holy God and be declared righteous?

I write with a contrite spirit and yet an underlying heart of hope. Only this contradiction can be found in the repentance and complete forgiveness I find in Christ. I am restored. I am made whole. "No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand..." With every promise and with every truth I find myself slowly ascending out of this mental pit I have hurdled myself into as I am laid low before a King who not only beckons me to draw near, but takes my hand.

I cannot help but to grapple the fact that sin is still very much apart of my human nature and although I am made pure by the blood of Christ, it doesn't change the impulse to choose my sin over obedience to the Father. Do you want to know something? I question my salvation every time a sin exchange happens in my life. It's like I'm choosing to drape myself in menstrual rags because...for whatever reason, I like it. The anaology is disgusting, the reality is even more so.

I cannot deny that David and I share the same prayer in Psalm 25:16-18, 20-21 "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Conscider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. . .Oh, gaurd my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you."

There's a song by Kari Jobe I absolutely love shouting at the top of my lungs whenever I'm alone in the house. Whenever I need to audibly remind myself of the love I have in Christ. It's just the chorus but it goes...

I know that you are for me!

I know that you are for me!

I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness!

and I know you have come now

even if to write upon my heart

to remind me of who you are

I love this chorus for the very reason that it's truth proclaimed and it's straight up empowering. Essentially the promise being he will never forsake us in our weakenesses. Even if they happen multiple times. Even if we swore we wouldn't. Paul mentions in Romans 5:20-21 "...but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Amen. Amen. Amen.

What Satan intends for distruction, God intends for his glory. I pray that we never forget this as we souldier on through this prilgrimage towards our Reward; beholding the presence and splendor of our true King.

faithfulness, faithfulness is what I long for...
~Dierdre