15 Weeks

Evidently, I am not as good about this blogging business as I used to be in my earlier twenties. To my greatest surprise, I am still pregnant (!!!) and am doing exceptionally well at 15 weeks gestation. The first trimester was a bit hellish...I went from weighing 105 to dropping down to an unattractive 96 pounds at one point because I could not seem to summon an appetite for anything, let alone keep certain meals down. My lowest point during morning sickness was when I couldn't even keep water down, specifically on an empty stomach.  I felt sick allll throughout the day, and it wasn't uncommon for me to get sick in the morning after brushing my teeth or during my lunch break (at home, thankfully!) CJ was NOT a fan of my mood swings, and when I wasn't sleeping, I was hiding out in our room to prevent various smells from sending me running to the bathroom. Chicken and Mexican food, however, were guaranteed to do this. (A huge inconvenience to Carla who preferred the former, and CJ who preferred the latter.) For the most part, I survived the first 11 weeks of pregnancy on ginger ale, milk, fruit popsicles, fresh fruit and very little else. It is truly amazing what the female body is capable of withstanding during a prenatal, nauseous state. It is also amazing to me that I have seemingly 'bounced back' into feeling normal again...or as normal as I anticipate feeling until our child finally arrives. I have to admit that hormones are my least favorite part about this whole baby making process, although pivotal none the same.

I've already begun to 'show' and pray that this isn't an indication of how large I will ultimately become or the size of our newborn. I try to walk and move around as much as I can, but find myself easily fatigued from abdominal discomfort and constant pressure on my bladder. I also have been trying to eat as healthy as possible, but admit that I am not limiting myself to salads every day either. I enjoy indulging in the occasional Oreos or dark chocolate. Overall, I am simply doing whatever I was doing before my pregnancy, but being a little more careful and a lot more conscious of my nutrition. I should also mention there is A LOT that they tell you you can't eat when your preggo...which honestly is a huge bummer because most of the things I can't have...I want so desperately. 

All in all, I am 15 weeks along and baby is the size of a large naval orange or a Hass avocado. CJ and I have already decided that if we have a baby girl, her name will be Lexington Autumn and if we have a boy (which we both feel that we will) his name will be Noah John. We are excited to find out the gender at my 20-week ultrasound! Also marking the halfway point of my pregnancy...which is absolutely insane because I feel like I just peed on a pregnancy stick not even a week ago. 

Time flies when you're incubating a tiny human!

-D

Big News

Well. I never thought I would be saying this but...I am officially five weeks and 6 days pregnant!

I've got to admit I am quite surprised!...but this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of how I truly feel. I am terrified. I am jubilant. I am miserably sick with a cold. I do not feel like myself at all. I am always hot. My breasts are extremely tender. NOTHING sounds good to eat...and while this lack of hunger is probably associated with my cold, Mexican food and seafood give me a special kind of nausea.

It all started when we were in Kansas visiting family. CJ and I somewhat jokingly (but mostly serious) agreed that we could wait on having kids since seeing our nephews. I was feeling fatigued but I just thought this had to do with traveling or not getting enough sleep. I felt a cold coming on, swollen glands and a sore throat, but assumed I would get over it quickly like I always do. My immune system is a beast if I'm being honest. When the cold progressed, I found myself losing my voice, battling a fever and bedridden. All the while, my breasts were painfully sensitive and my period was 5 days late according to my app.

Now, let me remind you that I had to take progesterone in February because I had not received my period since our November 2017. My last menstrual cycle began on February 25, again, due to taking the progesterone. I assumed I wasn't ovulating then...but I guess the joke was on me! HA! -____-

So after seeing a doctor for my cold, I thought it would be worth my while to take a pregnancy test. WHY NOT. I really thought I would just humor myself since I was having PMS symptoms, so certainly my period was right around the corner. When this test started to reveal two pink lines, my stomach dropped. I couldn't believe it. I ran around the house holding the stick. I paced back and forth with my hand on my forehead. I said "oh my gosh" a million times to myself. I immediately called CJ and told him the news. His voice was heightened, "Wait, are you serious?"

So here I am, crippled by a compromised immune system, roughly 6 weeks pregnant. I had laryngitis that demanded I take 3 days off of work in addition to the 4 days I had already taken off for our vacation to Kansas. Every time I tell a stranger that I am pregnant, I cry. I'm nauseous most of the time, but this is probably because I can hardly eat anything because I'm not hungry at all. I am SO excited to be pregnant but I feel that this is constantly overshadowed by how sick I am. Every time I cough I'm worried our baby is going to fall out of my uterus. (Irrational, I know!) We've told a few people: Carla, my mom, Justin, Ashley, Guizz, Ashlynn, Grandpa Fred, my dad, my coworker Matt, both our bosses, Jim and Andy as well as Andy's wife, Elizabeth. I know we really should have limited it to only to our moms and our bosses, but oh well! Something tells me that God wants me to have this child that I have consistently prayed for since we got married in 2016.

Don't get me wrong. I am terrified of miscarrying. I am petrified of labor and delivery. I have pretty low pain tolerance which doesn't help at all. I am terrified about our finances and our jobs. I was supposed to be starting a credential program this Fall, but now, I'll be giving birth in December. Who knows if I will be able to stay home with the baby or if I will need to figure out daycare of some kind. Will I have to pump or can I breastfeed? Will I be a good mom? Will people judge us for being irresponsible?

I have so many thoughts. I have so many fears. But I also have so much excitement. We bought our first baby item today off the Facebook market - a grey changing table for $40. I feel that nesting is going to be in full swing this Summer. Our goal is to keep things as cheap and simple as possible. Nothing over the top. We plan on making the guest bedroom a nursery, vintage Winnie the Pooh themed. Gender neutral. We're going to sell the motorcycle as soon as were right side up on it.

We have a lot of work to do but I am very excited. Overwhelmed with emotion and tissues, but excited.

Baby Peterson is expected this December 2018. Our little Sagittarius. (LOL)

Petrichor

Feeling lonely, but not
the typical kind
laying here, empty
yet feeling oddly content inside



D

Acceptance

You know what I just realized? I haven't bit my nails is a very long time. I think it's officially been a year...or almost a year since I've stopped the nasty habit. I feel like a huge part of my success is owed to hand lotion, cuticle cream (for the extra dry days) and water of course. Staying hydrated inside and out, if you know what I mean! Mostly I feel my non-bitten nails is a reflection of my mental health these days.

I feel very at ease lately...or I guess I should say very ACCEPTING of myself and my life circumstances. I've decided to relinquish a lot of my need to control everything which has truly spared me from a lot of anxiety. I am able to bounce back from minor arguments with CJ without holding grudges all day, or being caught up in over-analyzing shit that doesn't really need to be over-analyzed. I've learned to trust more which is a huge milestone in my book, honestly.

Aside from these things, I don't know what else has changed! I am SO thankful I got off of all my prescriptions, both the anxiety medicine as well as the birth control. It feels so nice to be unaltered, both mentally and hormonally. My body was made to function as it is right now, minor blemishes and all. So what if I'm a little crazy, sometimes? *nervous laughs*

In any case, life has been moving along somewhat slowly these days. My alarm goes off at 6:30, I snooze until 7:00...rush out the door by 7:45 and get to work by 8:00. Every day at work consists of typing reports and answering the same questions over and over again. Once I get off work, I swear to myself that I will make the most of my time and force myself to study for my CBEST which is scheduled for March 17th. Once I get home, however, my exhaustion from the day settles in and I melt into my bed while reading pointless crap on my cell phone. Evidently being on my cellphone is a black hole for time because literally hours will go by before I realize I have to cook dinner or else my whole family will starve (because no one else will cook apparently, and I'm a little bitter about it, ok!) Anyways, all this in saying, my days rarely vary and because of this I feel that life has slowed down indefinitely. I'm hoping things change soon, and for the better!

I wish I knew what kind of change I'm looking for, exactly, but I'm pretty open to whatever. I think this all ties into the fact that I am strangely OK with whatever happens. Stayed tuned, I guess! I promise I'm not as boring as this post lets on...


D

16

It's been 16 days that I've been late for my period. I guess I should really stop counting. I am neither pregnant nor buying another damn pregnancy test because those suckers are expensive. I have no idea why my body decided not to ovulate last month or why we are already halfway through this month and I haven't gotten my period. I'm thinking I may attempt to make another doctor's appointment to find out. The fact of the matter is: regardless if I am not pregnant, I would still like to know that I am capable of getting pregnant one day (i.e. ovulating normally) I guess I am really disappointed in my body. Everything was going fine until CJ and I thought we would make our official attempt last month to get pregnant, and now, my body is taking revenge by not showing signs of fertility at all! At least before I was getting my period regularly. At least I had that going for me.

Speaking of things 'going' for me, I applied to Univerity of Redlands today for their credential program. I have since scheduled my CBEST exam for March 17th. Everything seems to be going well so far, however, the pessimist in me is on the edge of her seat munching on popcorn waiting for something catastrophic to happen. Honestly, this would look like getting denied from Redlands or failing to pass my CBEST. I've been attempting to study every night but most of the time I am so exhausted from work that all I want to do is scroll endlessly on my phone and watch animal videos. *holds face in shame* It's kind of sad really. I don't know why I am so tired, lately! (NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT.)

Anyways, I feel this immense amount of pressure to be successful this year. I feel like CJ is subconsciously relying on me to get my career dialed in, but I'm nervous that I'm going to fail both him and myself. I keep thinking that I should really be getting paid more for having my degree, but then I feel guilty that I haven't made an effort to look for jobs that can offer me more money right now. Unfortunately, student teaching will force me to quit whatever job I have near the end of the program anyway, so it would be pointless to do this right now. I figure I will simply wait until after I have my credential to start job hunting for higher paying jobs. At least this is the plan, anyway.

It's 10:50pm and I am listening to an ASMR video while I write. (Something that has really helped with minimizing my anxiety, by the way!) I suppose I will end here. Until we meet again...


D

Paranoia

I told myself I would write more this year, and so far the desire is here but I have proven that I have nothing of much importance to write about! I definitely cannot write like I used to...but I keep telling myself no one is actually seeing this except my own eyes. So...I suppose it doesn't matter at all how well I can write or how entertaining my content is. (A huge relief, really.)

I am officially five days late for my period this month...which apparently is NO BIG DEAL since according to an amateur search online (yep, *guilty* I did that) my period can be affected by many factors such as stress, diet, weight loss, weight gain and of course PREGNANCY. So naturally, after having eliminated the possibility of being pregnant in my last post, I'm honing back in on this one factor exclusively because this is the kind of female I am. An obsessive-compulsive one.

I called Kaiser on Friday seeking answers for my pathetic condition. "I'm regular, my husband and I attempted to get pregnant last month, I haven't gotten my period this month but numerous pregnancy tests tell me I'm not pregnant. What does this mean?" They said they would call me after they sent my problem over to the right department. (I'm assuming OBGYN?) At the end of the day, I am telling myself that I am not pregnant and to go on living my non-prego life since this is probably the reality of my situation.

BUT!...Neurotic Dierdre has zero chill with this approach. I am now convinced that I have an underlying problem that needs to be uncovered to justify why I could not be pregnant this very moment...or at least menstruating this very moment. I mean...pregnancy is the only logical answer! I haven't been stressed at all, my diet has been pretty much the same as previous months and my weight has neither increased drastically nor decreased drastically. CJ and I getting frisky during my fertile window last month is THE only thing I can think of that is truly out of the ordinary. I hate that I am so obsessed with this right now because I really feel there are more pressing matters to be concerned about.

It's past midnight and coincidently past my bedtime. I hope I have an answer soon as to whether or not my body is still my own or if I'm secretly sharing it with someone else.


D