Alone Girl

Walk in through the door to the smell of stale clothing and dust

Random shoes lying around

dismantled desk parts leaning against the wall

It's not the same without you

Your presence is my home

No matter how much of my stuff is here 

My heart is still lying in your arms

He

He is so uncomplicated

in how he lives his life

he's all about the family 

and wants to make me his wife

he's a true traditionalist,

the red roses with baby's breath kind,

he's my Mr. Optimist,

always guiding me into the light. 

He centers me, 

and loves me, 

I don't deserve him, 

but he calls me "baby"

he thinks about others before himself

he calls his mom, 

and fixes her car as well

he's an artist, 

a teacher,

a total keeper, 

I've found my One

my search is done. 

  

Invisible

Sometimes I feel like a dotted outline 

Completely translucent; a passerby 

It doesn't matter how many times 

I walk by

I could be waving

You never see me

You don't even try

Analyzer

I've got nothing but time

To be amused

To complicate your words 

And their meanings too

I'm a true analyzer 

I've got nothing better to do

But to think of you

And be confused

And be amused 

Giving Up The Dream

because it's what you want, isn't it?
my inner romantic wilts with the smoke
up into the sky, it drifts away
the future appears like a dull day
mundane and in vain, I live it
nothing keeping you here next to me
except for the air that slips through the spaces 
I hate this, but my hope continues to revolve
like a gyre, it circles around
and around
and around

Proposal

He dropped down on one knee

While she held her teeth

She caressed his cheek

As he leaned in to place the stone appropriately

She threw her head back 

And let out a laugh, a tear and a sigh

It had been so long since 

they originally wanted to start their life

But patience made them value 

The moment when it came

They were in no rush to become

A child bridal party, just the same.

The Morning

I can sit in a room

With nothing to do

And be happy too 

Silence doesn't bother me

It's better than being busy

simply

I love a silent room in the morning 

Love Is Strange

He shades the page

While I concave 

And burst into hot tears 

Why must love

Come undone 

Just to be tied again?

Not Your Typical Birthday Card

Dierdre, 

I love you without knowing how or when or from where. I love you simply without problems or pride: I love you this way because I do not know any other way of loving you but this. Dierdre, I am nothing special, of this i am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I have led a common life. However, you have chosen to love me with your whole heart and I will return that love with every last beat of my heart. Dierdre, you have given me reason and hope for an amazing future. I am so much head over heels in love with you baby. 

Happy birthday my love,

CJ

No Problem

NO PROBLEM

I have no problem at all
Sitting at my dining room table alone
Enjoying a meal for one
Under dim lights, with no music on
I don’t mind, celebrating my own thoughts
Enjoying no casual talk
Just me, myself and I tonight.
Room for just this one.

Rubik Emotions

I don't know what's different about me or what's causing people that I know kind of tilt their heads in concern as if to ask the same question. I don't know what's changed...I thought that maybe writing it out it would somehow come to me...but it's not. At least not in one paragraph worth.

I suppose I'm bitter, or the closest thing to it. Jaded...anxious. I don't know what for. I can't decide if it's because someone wronged me or if I did this to myself. Things like work and school make waking up in the morning (specifically the former) exhausting. I don't like the person I'm becoming, I don't like my thoughts, I don't like my disregard. I don't like how I haven't been writing...what do I've got to hide anyway? I feel like I've lost myself? Am I simply just wandering?

And yet in the same breath, I can honestly say that I am the happiest that I've ever been. CJ has awoken emotions within me that I thought I was incapable of feeling ever again - good ones of course! When were together, it's just as easy as breathing. Weeks into dating CJ, I somehow knew that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling him exactly that. I am slowly coming undone from this tight little ball that I've wound myself up in...it's a work in progress. Growing closer together with CJ is a rewarding incentive to continue laying down my walls. As far as my future goes, he is the only thing I am certain of these days. 

But coming back to it, everything besides my relationship feels like chaos. I just wish I enjoyed the other faucets of my life a little bit more. I'm wanting change and yet the thought of change scares me. In light of all these things, I find encouragement in this:

"And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm."

Matthew 8:26

Lord, calm my internal storm and restore my joy in you and in this life that I am called to live for you. Amen.

The Human Condition

"I do not understand myself. I want to do what is right but I do not do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. When I do the thing I do not want to do, it shows me that the Law is right and good. So I am not doing it. Sin living in me is doing it. I know there is nothing good in me, that is, in my flesh. For I want to do good but I do not. I do not do the good I want to do. Instead, I am always doing the sinful things I do not want to do. If I am always doing the very thing I do not want to do, it means I am no longer the one who does it. It is sin that lives in me. This has become my way of life: When I want to do what is right, I always do what is wrong. My mind and heart agree with the Law of God. But there is a different law at work deep inside of me that fights with my mind. This law of sin holds me in its power because sin is still in me. There is no happiness in me! Who can set me free from my sinful old self?"

Romans 7:15-24

When Love Is Just A 4 Letter Word

When love is just a four letter word,
it doesn't take much to stay
they told me to love is to be vulnerable
it's easier to mutter than to say
when your heart is open and gaping
with it's veins all exposed
tell me that your mind isn't changing,
that your feelings haven't been repulsed.
Tell me that love means more to you that just a four letter word.