I suppose I'm bitter, or the closest thing to it. Jaded...anxious. I don't know what for. I can't decide if it's because someone wronged me or if I did this to myself. Things like work and school make waking up in the morning (specifically the former) exhausting. I don't like the person I'm becoming, I don't like my thoughts, I don't like my disregard. I don't like how I haven't been writing...what do I've got to hide anyway? I feel like I've lost myself? Am I simply just wandering?
And yet in the same breath, I can honestly say that I am the happiest that I've ever been. CJ has awoken emotions within me that I thought I was incapable of feeling ever again - good ones of course! When were together, it's just as easy as breathing. Weeks into dating CJ, I somehow knew that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life telling him exactly that. I am slowly coming undone from this tight little ball that I've wound myself up in...it's a work in progress. Growing closer together with CJ is a rewarding incentive to continue laying down my walls. As far as my future goes, he is the only thing I am certain of these days.
But coming back to it, everything besides my relationship feels like chaos. I just wish I enjoyed the other faucets of my life a little bit more. I'm wanting change and yet the thought of change scares me. In light of all these things, I find encouragement in this:
"And he said to them, “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm."
Matthew 8:26
Lord, calm my internal storm and restore my joy in you and in this life that I am called to live for you. Amen.
