Petrichor

Feeling lonely, but not
the typical kind
laying here, empty
yet feeling oddly content inside



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Acceptance

You know what I just realized? I haven't bit my nails is a very long time. I think it's officially been a year...or almost a year since I've stopped the nasty habit. I feel like a huge part of my success is owed to hand lotion, cuticle cream (for the extra dry days) and water of course. Staying hydrated inside and out, if you know what I mean! Mostly I feel my non-bitten nails is a reflection of my mental health these days.

I feel very at ease lately...or I guess I should say very ACCEPTING of myself and my life circumstances. I've decided to relinquish a lot of my need to control everything which has truly spared me from a lot of anxiety. I am able to bounce back from minor arguments with CJ without holding grudges all day, or being caught up in over-analyzing shit that doesn't really need to be over-analyzed. I've learned to trust more which is a huge milestone in my book, honestly.

Aside from these things, I don't know what else has changed! I am SO thankful I got off of all my prescriptions, both the anxiety medicine as well as the birth control. It feels so nice to be unaltered, both mentally and hormonally. My body was made to function as it is right now, minor blemishes and all. So what if I'm a little crazy, sometimes? *nervous laughs*

In any case, life has been moving along somewhat slowly these days. My alarm goes off at 6:30, I snooze until 7:00...rush out the door by 7:45 and get to work by 8:00. Every day at work consists of typing reports and answering the same questions over and over again. Once I get off work, I swear to myself that I will make the most of my time and force myself to study for my CBEST which is scheduled for March 17th. Once I get home, however, my exhaustion from the day settles in and I melt into my bed while reading pointless crap on my cell phone. Evidently being on my cellphone is a black hole for time because literally hours will go by before I realize I have to cook dinner or else my whole family will starve (because no one else will cook apparently, and I'm a little bitter about it, ok!) Anyways, all this in saying, my days rarely vary and because of this I feel that life has slowed down indefinitely. I'm hoping things change soon, and for the better!

I wish I knew what kind of change I'm looking for, exactly, but I'm pretty open to whatever. I think this all ties into the fact that I am strangely OK with whatever happens. Stayed tuned, I guess! I promise I'm not as boring as this post lets on...


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16

It's been 16 days that I've been late for my period. I guess I should really stop counting. I am neither pregnant nor buying another damn pregnancy test because those suckers are expensive. I have no idea why my body decided not to ovulate last month or why we are already halfway through this month and I haven't gotten my period. I'm thinking I may attempt to make another doctor's appointment to find out. The fact of the matter is: regardless if I am not pregnant, I would still like to know that I am capable of getting pregnant one day (i.e. ovulating normally) I guess I am really disappointed in my body. Everything was going fine until CJ and I thought we would make our official attempt last month to get pregnant, and now, my body is taking revenge by not showing signs of fertility at all! At least before I was getting my period regularly. At least I had that going for me.

Speaking of things 'going' for me, I applied to Univerity of Redlands today for their credential program. I have since scheduled my CBEST exam for March 17th. Everything seems to be going well so far, however, the pessimist in me is on the edge of her seat munching on popcorn waiting for something catastrophic to happen. Honestly, this would look like getting denied from Redlands or failing to pass my CBEST. I've been attempting to study every night but most of the time I am so exhausted from work that all I want to do is scroll endlessly on my phone and watch animal videos. *holds face in shame* It's kind of sad really. I don't know why I am so tired, lately! (NO, I AM NOT PREGNANT.)

Anyways, I feel this immense amount of pressure to be successful this year. I feel like CJ is subconsciously relying on me to get my career dialed in, but I'm nervous that I'm going to fail both him and myself. I keep thinking that I should really be getting paid more for having my degree, but then I feel guilty that I haven't made an effort to look for jobs that can offer me more money right now. Unfortunately, student teaching will force me to quit whatever job I have near the end of the program anyway, so it would be pointless to do this right now. I figure I will simply wait until after I have my credential to start job hunting for higher paying jobs. At least this is the plan, anyway.

It's 10:50pm and I am listening to an ASMR video while I write. (Something that has really helped with minimizing my anxiety, by the way!) I suppose I will end here. Until we meet again...


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Paranoia

I told myself I would write more this year, and so far the desire is here but I have proven that I have nothing of much importance to write about! I definitely cannot write like I used to...but I keep telling myself no one is actually seeing this except my own eyes. So...I suppose it doesn't matter at all how well I can write or how entertaining my content is. (A huge relief, really.)

I am officially five days late for my period this month...which apparently is NO BIG DEAL since according to an amateur search online (yep, *guilty* I did that) my period can be affected by many factors such as stress, diet, weight loss, weight gain and of course PREGNANCY. So naturally, after having eliminated the possibility of being pregnant in my last post, I'm honing back in on this one factor exclusively because this is the kind of female I am. An obsessive-compulsive one.

I called Kaiser on Friday seeking answers for my pathetic condition. "I'm regular, my husband and I attempted to get pregnant last month, I haven't gotten my period this month but numerous pregnancy tests tell me I'm not pregnant. What does this mean?" They said they would call me after they sent my problem over to the right department. (I'm assuming OBGYN?) At the end of the day, I am telling myself that I am not pregnant and to go on living my non-prego life since this is probably the reality of my situation.

BUT!...Neurotic Dierdre has zero chill with this approach. I am now convinced that I have an underlying problem that needs to be uncovered to justify why I could not be pregnant this very moment...or at least menstruating this very moment. I mean...pregnancy is the only logical answer! I haven't been stressed at all, my diet has been pretty much the same as previous months and my weight has neither increased drastically nor decreased drastically. CJ and I getting frisky during my fertile window last month is THE only thing I can think of that is truly out of the ordinary. I hate that I am so obsessed with this right now because I really feel there are more pressing matters to be concerned about.

It's past midnight and coincidently past my bedtime. I hope I have an answer soon as to whether or not my body is still my own or if I'm secretly sharing it with someone else.


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