A Haiku

"Please leave me," she said
to all her fears and her doubts.
"He has overcome."


~Dierdre

The Meaning Behind Infinity

For those of you who weren't aware, I got a tattoo back in September. Probably the most impulsive decision I have ever made in the history of Dierdre's permanent decisions. It's pretty small and it's located on my right hand, in-between my thumb and index finger. I love the location for a couple of reasons, but I love the symbolism even more. As a firm believer that tattoos are so much cooler when they have a story behind them, this is me divulging mine. While overlooking all the mathematical linguistics of the infinity symbol, I really caved and got it for one reason and one reason alone. 

Jesus. 

Which is a little confusing for some people because they look at my hand and immediately think, "Infinity huh? That's cool I guess." So why not a cross? Why not two nails? Why infinity? 

It's easy. Jesus is the only infinite being there is. The only infinite lover, the only infinite friend. "I am the alpha and omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end." He will never leave me, he will always stay the same even in the midsts of my inconsistencies, in the midsts of my imperfections and in the midst of my doubts. He will always love me, he will never leave me, he will never stop pursuing me, he will always fight for me, he will never forsake me... I mean I cannot emphasize it enough. He will always be the same. He will never go against who He is. 

Last September I was deeply struggling with feeling unloved while fighting to seek God as the answer. The year before last, I had made some promiscuous choices in response to those same feelings and I did not want to fall back into sin, believing that my idea of love was true. My heart was to be obedient to the Father but the emotion was so strong that it weighed heavy on my spirit which left me restless and discontent. I had started to see a counselor at that time who was helping me sort through my idea of love and how it correlated with my childhood. We finally got to a place where I realized that lust was not the answer to my longing for love. God was the answer to my longing for love. Coincidently, he defines himself as love in 1John 4:8. All I needed was Jesus. It was that simple. 

More then that, I was also trying to find a place to live in that time (back in September.) I was living with a good friend Kristi Pearson whom I love and will always be thankful for. We found out that our house was going to be given back to her ex husband who was fighting for custody along with it's possessions. As much as the emotional aspect of doing all I could to be strong for Kristi and love her through one of the hardest things that was happening in her life, at the end of the day I would lay in bed at night thinking, "Where am I going to go? I have no idea where I am going to go." Believing that the Lord was going to provide for me was beyond trying. Seeking his face was even harder, through the developing resentment...I always managed to find myself in these fleeting living situations that were everything but permanent. My cry for that whole month, I can still recall..."Lord! Give me permanence, give me peace. Please give me a stability I cannot deny! Help me to feel safe and more than anything Father, help me feel loved. I just want to feel loved." Haha and you know what the Lord did? He waved at me and smiled. "Dierdre you silly girl, I am right here." Matthew 11:28 

To this day, I struggle to place the Lord before me always but with my tattoo as a visual reminder (ironically, I am a visual learner) as well as through his written Word, I am pacified in those times of fear and feeling unloved. He will always love me, he will always provide for me. The two promises that I always seem to forget? are always the two promises that I am running to the most. 

To conclude this I was inspired to write about this topic in particular while pouring more creamer into my coffee at the Barnes. A man who had been watching me pour as he stirred his sugar asked me what the meaning of infinity was. I looked at him told him it meant things lasted forever. He then proceeded to ask me what the opposite of infinity was and if there was anything like it. I had to think for a second to gather the correct word, by this time we were venturing back to our seats in the café. As I sat down I looked at my tattoo. What is the opposite of infinite? I sipped my coffee and told the man whom was waiting for an answer. "Sir I believe the opposite of infinite is finite, something that comes to an end." He cocked his head and smiled, "I think your right!" 

Jesus is the only one who lasts. He is the only was who will see us through till the end. But even with Jesus there is no end, only a beginning. A great figure eight, I like to call my Jesus.

Dierdre

Valentine, Shmalentine....it's Tuesday.

I'm trying to think of the most authentic way to present this without coming off like I hate this holiday. And don't get me wrong, it's not because of the fact that I'm single or anything remotely related to my status. In fact, my frustration lies with the rest of this country, where thousands of singles and couples alike woke up this morning with one thing in common: expectation.

Having expectations isn't entirely bad...but only if your hope rests in them. I guess there's a fine line between desire and expectation. In any case, these expectations can flux between being as simple as expecting to be showered with gifts to anticipating complete emotional satisfaction from someone else. Before I go on any further, I'll come right out and say that this day legitimately used to be my favorite holiday a couple of years back. Yeaaa...slightly embarrassing. But of all people who could be writing about having suffered from romantic expectations, I believe I am completely qualified in this area...(also biased, but whatever.) I can recall the years where I spent this day in the pits of depression, bawling my eyes out because I had no pursuers yearning for an opportunity to share affection, sentimental gifts of flattery or words of affirmation towards me. Through many different circumstances, and by pure grace alone God has peeled back the blinding veil of what culture perceives as love and lays before me, Truth. I am set free because of it. So tonight I write in freedom from the bondage of expectation. More than anything I want it to be something that others can tangibly experience and step into as well, because it's so...what's the word I'm lookin' for....liberating. It really is.

Because Satan loves to toy with our weaknesses. He enjoys our slavery and our failure to know truth, and more then that? Satan loves to keep us from knowing Christ, one of his attributes being the author and pure definition of love. Because when we don't know what Christ has done on our behalf, having been the greatest act of love, our life is meaningless. Satan loves it. He loves us destitute for death. Ah, but when we know 1 John 4:8 and believe it...light bulbs go off in our heads!

God is love. Simple. Sweet. Almost cliché even...pretty sure they make bumper stickers with this smacked on it. What it should really say is "God is love! Regardless if I have a Valentine this year or not. Regardless if I'm single. Regardless if I don't feel loved. Regardless if ___________." (That might be a little much to put on a bumper sticker but you get the idea.)

Basically. This took me an embarrassing 4 days to write. Not because I don't have anything to say, but...mostly because I don't really know how to say it. All I know is that I have never been more content on Valentines day before in my 20 years of life...8 of which I cared. The Lord is so good to me. He has the capacity to love me in all the ways a man could ever. I read Psalm 139 and am reminded that he knows me beyond my own knowledge. I read chapter 53 of Isaiah and am reminded that by his wounds, not only are we healed but we are accepted by the Father. One of my favorite quotes comes from a Hillsong song where they put it like this - "Adopted as [His] own, alive to make [Him] known." Love that.

'Tomorrow is Tuesday. You will not catch me self-loathing over my singleness and associating my status with being unloved. God is love...period! I will be celebrating the love I have in Him today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. Valentine's Day is everyday my friends. There is no greater love than the One who not only died for you, but was resurrected in love of you.'

Loved, Dierdre

Ticking The Night Away

I can hear my wrist watch ticking from across the room because it's THAT quiet in here. (my room) It's...absolutely perfect. An ideal setting for a writer to hear their own thoughts at an audibly high volume.

When I close my eyes though, I hear the coarse grinding of coffee beans as the aroma fills my nostrils, expanding with my lungs. The room is dimly lit and my bistro table is placed conspicuously against a brick wall, which has been accessorized by large canvas paintings with bright colors. The soles of traffic can be heard clicking across the wood floor, only to be muffled by the rug which lay by the entrance...or the exit for that matter. My cheeks tighten and pull my lips into a crescent moon only to meet the crescent moon rim of my coffee mug....

When I think of relaxation, my mind trails off into this low key café experience that unfortunately only exists in my dreams. Pretty sad huh? I heard that Portland has some pretty great cafés. But let's be real...I live in Temecula. For now at least.

It's perfectly normal to keep a box of thin mints on your nightstand right? Whew. I thought so. I'm actually really surprised I've even still awake right now. I did a low impact weight workout around 8:30...then proceeded to take a sleeping pill to help me pass out. Usually the combination of physical exhaustion and 50mg of Diphenhydramine knock me out. I don't want to say I have insomnia because technically I would have to get diagnosed???? but I am showing symptoms of restlessness...or "underlying medical illness" as the back of the bottle suggests. My underlying illness? Sin. Just straight up sin in all of it's ungodliness. Let's just be grownups and call it like it is.

The scary part is that what I've been struggling with is something that can be covered up very easily. Not to say this justifies the sin whatsoever but it sure as heck makes it easier to get away with!...over and over and over again... Sometimes trying to understand why we do the things is beyond us. At least this is the conclusion I've come to...pertaining to myself in this area. It takes something or someone out of this world, whose is also in tap with the very core of our beings, to reveal the reasons for our choices. I really need to start scabbing up my knees a little, and become more acquainted with the floor. Prayers that come from a tangible, physical position of submission to God are so humbling that one has no choice but to be in awe of the Creator of their soul! Why have I let this kind of praying cease? How could I? He must reignite our flame from the ground up! Well...at least mine.

My sin has insnared me and I lack sleep this week because of it. I'm constantly turning my brain onto the 'low tumble dry' setting...which ultimately messes with my ability to shut down. Take it from me. Avoid that 'low tumble' setting at all costs!!! Processing every little detail can and will drive a person insane. Thankfully, I've been insane for a while now. So this is old news to us :)


I must conclude, but thanks for reading this far. I'll have more to share this weekend when my hours are  plentiful and my thoughts, succulent.

babbling,
Dierdre