Streetlight Ballet

I remember those nights when we used to brave the moon

Hum to each other as we danced like lovers

We felt no shame when we lied to our mothers

Surely you can recall how you made me swoon

You said you would see me soon

An hour after midnight and the clouds would hover

Not soon after and we would be holding each other

Your familiar voice, my absolute vice, my favorite tune 

We were so disillusioned and green

It’s amazing how different things turned out

Years have gone by and you don’t even know me now

A classic scenario of a tragic, romance scene

I still dream of my first love, the young man that I used to know

Who would sway with me fast and kiss me slow

You

You had to haunt me didn’t you?

You couldn’t just let me go,

You had to linger.

How dare I move on?

As guilty as I am wrong.

In my dreams you adore me, pull back my eyelids and you abhor me

You hypocritical fool

Why must you tease me,

With nostalgic memories and false realities

Yet you get to live out your happily ever after

With your plain, brunette whatever

Indifferent and sheltered

You embrace her gullible innocence

If only she knew

The cowardice serpent, that is you

Like a Pharisee you cursed me

Threw me into the streets like

You didn’t know me

You have managed to confound me

Like a revolving door,

You close me.

Alone Time

I guess you could say things really haven't been going my way lately. I was laid off 2 weeks ago and the fact that I am blogging again must communicate to you how utterly bored and available I am. I've taken to reigniting my crocheting skills with numerous scarf projects, which is enjoyable don't get me wrong but I would rather be making a paycheck. The lack of financial security has been taking a toll on both CJ and I as he is still working at the high school, but nothing close to what we need to pay all of our bills. I'd give us three months of relying on his paycheck and our savings solely until we really start to feel the impact of my unemployment in it's entirety. I still haven't heard from EDD regarding my application for unemployment so hopefully that saves us sooner rather than later. The truth is I feel guilty about wanting a nice wedding now. I feel like we were just not meant to have a nice wedding and we were destined to be a courthouse couple. Obviously, I am just being dramatic and rationally speaking I have booked way to many vendors at this point to back out now. Photographer, florist, DJ...I mean, those are all nonrefundable deposits not to mention our photographer and DJ both have been paid in full already. We are looking easily at 7,000 dollars to cover everything else that we need. Officiant, our wedding bands, guest favors, the venue itself...they weren't kidding when they said weddings are expensive. The best part is, is that CJ and I get to paid for it all ourselves! Yay! So much fun! I'm not admitting to being stressed about wedding planning, because it's actually been quite fun! Honestly everything negative in my life right now all resorts back to finances. Money! Why is everything always about money? I have the urge to join the air force now as opposed to my original plan to join after I graduate in July of 2017. Our plan was for me to go in as an officer and for CJ to follow me (because he will be my husband by that point) and he would become a civilian teacher on whatever base we are stationed at. We would actually be making pretty good money considering both our incomes combine. I suppose all this jabber about the air force has reminded me that I still need to meet with a recruiter to discuss my options. I need to call them today. Lord knows I have enough time! *corny two thumbs up* Being unemployed sucks. It's really been breaking down my spirit and robbing me of my joy. I'm a generally serious and uptight individual as is, so this is saying a lot. I was going to make CJ some food and bring it to him during his lunch (a random 12:04pm lunch start time...schools are weird!) Bella loves to see her daddy at school so I'll bring her along for the ride. In light of everything, I really do enjoy staying home and cooking dinner and taking care of Bella during the day time, but knowing that it's at the expense of our income is not comforting. The dramatic side of me wants to say I've applied for everything under the sun, but the rational side of me says that the perfect job is still out there waiting. All I need is 21 months and then it's bootcamp for me. Hoorah! (wrong branch, but whatever.)